Mademoiselle 32 ans
Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML
Today, my mother told me that she and my father aren't coming to my wedding if my estranged brother who stopped talking to me two years ago isn't invited. She claims they don't want to choose sides. Brother: 1. Me: 0. FML
Today, I was walking on my crutches towards the bus through the rain. The bus driver looked into my eyes, punching the button to close the doors while I was still a few meters away. As he drove off, he kept his eyes on me, while I had to wait for another 15 minutes for the next bus in the rain. FML
Today, I was told that the cutoff date for dropping out of one of my classes was last Friday. Which would have been fine if the school website had the right information when I checked it last Friday. They're ignoring my screenshots proving as such. FML
Today, I spoke to a highly recommended therapist for my special-needs child. After 45 minutes of describing our challenges, heartbreaks and other very personal information, she told me that her schedule was permanently full. But she invited me to go through the phone book to find someone else. FML
Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that miles are the same distance for everything. He thought that human miles were different than mouse miles, because they're smaller. He's 34. FML
Today, my perfectly healthy grandmother came to stay for Christmas. First, she persuaded my family to give her my bedroom. That would have been fine, until she demanded she should also have a bucket to piss in under my bed too. FML
Today, I went for a soak in a mineral hot pool to relax after a stressful day teaching middle school. There were 120 middle schoolers there on a school trip. FML
Today, my grandma was sent to the hospital so I called out of work. My bosses told me that if I didn't come in I would be fired. I did so, only to find out they needed me there so I could close the restaurant while they left early to go to a party. FML
Today, my sister shaved a chunk of my hair off while I was sleeping. I'm getting married in three days. FML
Today, I finished polishing a song I was working on for my girlfriend. The next words out of her mouth when we next spoke: "I want to break up." FML
Today, I didn't secure my friend's wheelchair well enough to my car roof before giving him a ride. It flew off mid-drive and we still haven't found it. FML
Today, I mistook a tree in my back yard as an intruder and called the police. FML
Today, I bought a PS4 online for my boyfriend's birthday. I put it on our joint credit card through Paypal to keep it a surprise. The company decided to ruin that surprise when they called him to confirm the transaction. FML
Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML
Today, after quitting my job to take a very attractive position with a competitor, I was told the position was no longer being offered. I'm now on my way to file for unemployment. FML
Today, while I was working at a gas station, a man came up to the register with his zipper undone and his penis hanging out in full view. I had to awkwardly hand him his change while trying not to look or make eye contact. FML
Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML
Today, I finally realized the toll working as a cashier 5 days a week during the holidays does to your psyche. I just said "Welcome To Walgreens", out of pure reflex, to my cat as she walked into my kitchen. FML
Today, I received three big boxes from my mother in law, containing expensive cookware. I was puzzled, because I know that she hates me. Turns out she mailed them to us by mistake. Not only did she not get us anything, but I now have to pay to ship the boxes to her neighbor. FML
Today, I found out that when my parents said they couldn't afford gifts for us kids, what they really meant was that they weren't buying a gift for me. I found this out when I overheard my father telling my uncle about the things he got my siblings. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, my girlfriend furiously bitched me out because I got more upset about my phone screen cracking than when she told me about the death of her cat. We hadn't even met when her cat died. Did she expect me to burst into tears from hearing the story? Guess who's single again… FML
Today, I went on a date at the park. Have you ever felt dozens of ants swarming up your legs and back? I have now. FML
Today, a customer gave me hell because a high-spec game he bought wouldn't run on his ancient Windows XP PC. I ended up having to profusely apologize and refund him. Whoever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" should probably be shot, run over by a bus, then shot a few more times. FML
Today, after driving for four hours to visit my best friend for the New Year's break, she still hasn't finished up her Skype conversation and left her room to greet me. She knows I'm here. I've spent the last hours watching YouTube videos with her cat. FML
Today, I found out that my crush of a few years likes me. How? Her boyfriend told me, followed by a punch in the face. FML
Today, I realized how lonely I am, when I got a call from an elderly women who had dialed the wrong number. We ended up having a 20 minute conversation about her cat and how he "just won't use the darn litter pan." I was sad when she had to hang up. FML
Today, my 6-year-old son said to me, "You smell nice daddy." Surprised but flattered, I thanked him. He then added, "I like the smell of cheese!'" FML
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