EmikoShiriyuki

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I really like. I let him use my phone, forgetting about the messages I'd sent about the consistency of my bowel movements. FML

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

Today, I was walking to the gym when the woman in front of me dropped some cash. I picked it up and tried to get her attention. She saw the money and thought I was trying to pay her to sleep with me. FML

Hey good lookin'

Today, I went to a bar for some drinks. A guy looked me up and down, gave me a suggestive smile, then asked for my name and number. I'd have been a little less creeped out if he hadn't been standing beside me at the urinal the whole time. FML

Deflated

Today, I realized that it's been well over a month since my boyfriend has even tried to have sex with me. The last time was our first time, and because he couldn't keep it up, he's too humiliated to accept any of my advances. FML

Today, I was yelled at once again for being in the school gym without a coach present. I am the coach. FML

Today, I woke up to a warm bed, the morning sunlight bathing my face, and my boyfriend sneaking my credit card out of my purse. FML

Today, I took my driver's test. The woman administering it wouldn't even look at me, so trying to be friendly I said the first thing I could think of, "It must be scary getting in the car with someone you don't know!" She failed me for "excessive chatting." FML

Today, I learned that an antidepressant that works too well is a stimulant. I've been jittering and twitching like a meth-head, and my co-workers are asking when Jesse will be showing up with my "stuff". FML

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my daughter trying to cut her wrist with a plastic spoon. When I asked her why, she said her friend Lucy did that so her parents would buy her pretty things. My daughter and Lucy are both four years old. FML

Today, I tripped and fell, damaging my sternum and making it incredibly painful to breathe in or out too much. About ten minutes later, I got the hiccups. FML

Today, I tried waxing for the first time. At first it felt like I'd dipped my balls in a furnace. Now I can't even feel them. FML

Gotcha good

Today, my family and I were celebrating my dad's birthday. The two of us were standing by the pool chatting, and I jokingly said "You're old now." I suppose I should have expected him to shove me into the pool, my phone still in hand, and retort, "You're soaked now." FML

Fight Club

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

Artistry

Today, my students turned in their male figure artwork. One absolute idiot had the smart idea of drawing me and the TA as some kind of gay lovers. I was torn between disgust at the explicitness, anger at the disrespect, and yet awe at how well-drawn it was. FML

Threat

Today, I babysat a 9-year-old kid for the first time. The moment his parents left the house, the little shit looked me dead in the eyes and let me know that if I didn't let him do whatever he wanted, he'd tell his parents that I touched him in his "no-no place". Suddenly I hate kids. FML

Today, I found out that my wife of 12 years has slept with the workmen we've had working on our long term building project. They call her the "quickie queen". FML

Just good friends

Today, I confronted my girlfriend after catching her cheating on me. After she finished crying, she had the brass balls to say she'd understand if I needed a couple of weeks to forgive her, and asked me for bus fare so she could go tell the other guy they could only be friends now. FML

Today, one of the patients on the mental health unit where I work looked me up and down and said, "Well, I guess it's a popular misconception that all fat people are jolly." FML

Today, my 6-year-old son asked me what a "sex toy" was. Not really knowing what to tell him, I said it was a game. He's asked for one for Christmas. FML

Today, I was at an outdoors Christmas party and I jokingly complained that my son says 'mama' way more than he says 'dada'. One of my students was at the party and watched him for a couple of hours. He taught him to say 'dada' every time he sees a bug. FML

Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML

Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML

Today, my boss interviewed a prospective employee, my ex-girlfriend. My psycho ex, a kleptomaniac, thinks she's qualified to be a Security Guard. Her background check agrees. FML

Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

Today, I was waiting in the McDonald's drive-thru and listening to some music. I was tapping my non-driving foot to the song when I accidentally tapped the wrong foot and rear ended the cop car in front of me. Whoops. FML

Today, I found out my bank charged me $50 for not having any money. Way to go bank, way to go. FML

Today, my sister and I checked into our cheap hotel in Brussels as part of our month-long Europe trip. At 11pm we awoke to the sound of a mouse chewing through a bag of food we'd bought. At 3am we awoke to bedbugs. We slept in the bathroom. FML