Today, my four year-old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend came over to visit. Being nice, I let him walk down the stairs first, following after him. I still managed to reach the bottom before he did; after taking one step, I lost my footing and fell all the way down, scraping the skin off my arms and legs, and bruising my butt. FML
Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML
Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML
Today, my husband and I woke up to see my drunk mother passed out on our couch. She was wearing nothing but socks. FML
Today, a fly got stuck up my nose while I was giving a speech. FML
Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML
Today, at work, an overweight man riding an electric cart started peeing all around the store. I had to clean it up. FML
Today, I was helping first-graders do school work when one of them stabbed me in the face with a pencil, all because I told her that a three was backwards. FML
Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML
Today, my dog died and I told my grandfather I wanted her to be cremated. I came home later to find him burning her in our barbecue pit. FML
Today, in the middle of the night, I got up to go get some water. When I came back, I was going to flop onto my bed, but I faceplanted into my floor. I'd forgotten that I'd rearranged my room and moved my bed. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
Today, trying to be funny in front of some friends, I held my cat above my head Lion King style. The height must have made him nervous, because he shat on my head. FML
Today, after arriving home from work I found that my dog took a dump down the air conditioning vents on the floor. Now the whole house smells so good. FML
Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML
Today, I aced my solo during my band concert. My parents were asleep the whole time. FML
Today, while driving, I saw a dog run across the road. Feeling sorry for the pup on a cold, rainy night, I pulled my car over to pick it up. Once in, it started freaking out so I turned on the light. It was then that I realized I'd just put a wild coyote on my passenger seat. FML
Today, I went to the arcade with my dad, and we decided to try out the hurricane simulator, which blasts 60mph air around in an enclosed space. My dad farted halfway through. FML
Today, in public, one of my mom's friends asked me how on earth did I get so tall. My mom happily scampered to my side and shrieked, "TWO YEARS OF BREAST MILK!" FML
Today, I left a message for a potential employer. It wasn't until after I'd hung up that I realized I'd given them their own phone number to call me back at. Not getting that job. FML
Today, I dislocated my shoulder. My doctor failed to fix it, but did succeed in practically dislocating the other one. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother shaving his nuts, all while giggling like a maniac and seemingly high out of his mind. FML
Today, my guide dog sneezed so hard that it slammed its head on the floor and knocked itself out. I have to trust this dog with my life. FML
Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML
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