guineagirl

Today, I'm training to be a nurse in a hospital. Our teacher asked for a volunteer to demonstrate how bed restraints work. After I was shackled to the bed she said, "Now let's make sure they work. Are you ticklish?" My entire class tickled me until I screamed, cried and nearly wet my pants. FML

Today, my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. She doesn't trust me. FML

Damn, son

Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML

Pros and cons

Today, I'm in a relationship with a guy who yells at me everyday for things I didn't do, is in a dead-end job and is not attractive whatsoever, but I can't bring myself to break up with him because he would get to keep the dog. FML

Today, my husband and I are both suffering from food poisoning. He has horrible, raging, rank smelling, explosive diarrhea; I am vomiting every 15 minutes. We have one bathroom. FML

Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

Today, I stubbed my toe against the corner of my bed, causing me to gasp and moan in pain. My parents overheard, and now I'm getting the full coming of age talk and how I shouldn't lie about what I was doing. I didn't do anything. FML

Today, my dad told me that after my two older siblings were born, he got a vasectomy. However, something went wrong, and the vasectomy had failed, resulting in me. FML

Today, I heard that a boy in my class had written a song about me. Intrigued, I went to see him perform. I spent 3 excruciating minutes listening to a song about 'the girl of his dreams', his tear-filled eyes staring into mine the whole time. I have to sit next to this freak for the next 2 years. FML

Today, my GPS told me that I'd reached my destination. In the middle of the highway. FML

Today, I woke up after having a wet dream about Marge Simpson. I really need to get laid. FML

Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML

Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML

ARE YOU ******* SORRY?

Today, I was at the park with my friends. We were all having fun on the swings, when out of nowhere I heard a thud, followed by a child crying. Turns out I accidentally kicked him in the head. FML

Basic human need

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a nude picture, he sent it back to me with a mustache on my face from that iPhone app and told me he likes it much better that way. FML

Today, my neighbor called me on vacation to tell me that she let my mother into my house to feed my fish. I don't have fish, and my mother passed away 3 years ago. FML

Today, I found out my little brother is a highly committed Nazi. He goes to meetings and everything, my parents think it's great he is "getting out and developing a social life." FML

Today, I left the hospital after having knee surgery. While trying to find my balance on my crutches, I was holding onto the roof of the car. My mum slammed the car door shut, not noticing my hand. I can barely even bend my fingers to hold onto my crutches. FML

Today, we found out that the beloved "Uncle Jimmy" from my early childhood was really the man my mother was cheating on my dad with. FML

Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

Today, I discovered that no matter how hot and exhausted you are, being blasted in the face with a high pressure hose is always more painful than refreshing. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try some "prolonging gel" to help him last longer between the sheets. Surprisingly, it worked, and he lasted 3 times longer than usual. I can now enjoy 4 whole minutes of sex. FML

Today, after half a year of flirting back and forth, I went to a fancy party thrown by the guy I really like. He met me at the door and introduced me to everyone as, "The lovely Meghan." I thought I finally had a chance, until he introduced me to his girlfriend of five years. FML

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. He stared at me, then said, "Yeah, okay then. I'm gonna watch TV now." He then turned on the TV and watched Top Gun. Not quite the response I was hoping for. FML

Snoopy

Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the woman sitting next to me staring intently at my phone. After letting my boyfriend know, he sent a message saying, "Are we gonna involve the dog again? Last night was fun." She gasped and screamed that I'm a "twisted dog-humping bitch." FML

Today, my parents finally got married. At the after-party, my mother got drunk and informed me that even though she and my father were now married, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a bastard. FML

Today, my neighbors called the police and said that they saw, through the window, a suspicious person in my house doing something to my piano. The "suspicious person" was me, in my own house, playing my own piano. FML