QueenBeeGotStung

Today, my date kept offering to drop me off back home because he thought I wasn't enjoying myself at the dance. I wasn't enjoying myself at the dance because he kept asking if I wanted to leave. FML

Today, I realised I hate my cat. She has 'stress incontinence', which involved her peeing all over my house. Last week I found out she'd been peeing on my stove, and I can't clean off the smell. Now whenever I try to cook some food, the kitchen is flooded with the scent of burning cat pee. FML

Today, after working incredibly hard to get into college without having to take out loans, classes started. I was told we'll need a $200 piece of software, and we'll fail without it. There's no way I can afford it. FML

Today, I was sitting in my last class of the day, after being on campus for 8 hours, when I glanced down and noticed I was wearing two different colored flip flops. I'd given two class presentations and had a meeting with my conducting professor. FML

Today, I was at Walmart to pick up things. I was using an electric buggy because my ankle is injured, even though it was a bit odd. On the way out, the controls got stuck going forward, pushing along six carts into a pileup before I managed to get it to turn off. The manager saw the whole thing. FML

Today, my girlfriend got jealous because I wanted to adopt a puppy. FML

Today, after keeping myself awake coughing for 2 hours, I finally drifted off. My cat apparently thought I'd died, and gave me CPR. Now I have claw marks on my chest, and I'm still awake. FML

Today, I was laid off from the job I'd had for two years. They couldn't even manage to spell my name or the company's name right on the severance letter. Guess I was a memorable employee. FML

Today, I got a tattoo of the snake and staff medical symbol on my wrist. Now everyone keeps asking what illness I have; they think it's a medical bracelet substitute. FML

Today, I was falling asleep on my desk, my head on my fist. My elbow slipped off the edge of the desk and I punched myself, leaving a fist mark on my cheek. At school, people think my parents hit me. My parents think I'm getting bullied at school. No one believes the actual story. FML

Today, as I got out the shower, my mom walked in to give me a towel, then quickly covered her eyes and said, "Woah, I almost saw your penis. Good things it's ridiculously small." I had friends over, and I'm pretty sure I'll hear about this for at least the next month. FML

Today, I found out my wife confided in a coworker that she wants to sleep with him, because our marriage is loveless and sexless. News to me. FML

Today, as I was on the couch taking a nap, it started violently shaking. I panicked and chased my family outside, convinced it was an earthquake. It was just the cat trapped inside the couch. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of three years. I worked my ass off planning everything down to a T. It seemed perfect, until I actually proposed, at which point I was rejected and dumped, in front of my family, friends and two coworkers. FML

Today, my father was playing with my son and his toy animals. He picked one up and said, "What is this? Some kind of African horse?" It was a zebra. FML

Today, a child complimented me by telling me that I look like a potato. The good kind of potato. FML

Today, my brother's girlfriend texted my dad, letting him know they'd got married a few weeks ago. This wouldn't be so bad if we hadn't driven 6 hours to see them yesterday to celebrate their engagement and discuss potential wedding plans, while they went along with it. They even suggested dates. FML

He's just an asshole, then.

Today, I spent $300 just to find out my dog likes to drink a lot of water and then pee everywhere. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked why I never let him go down on me. I told him that it doesn't do much for me, even though it really does. I didn't have the courage to tell him that it's because he acts like a rabid dog when he does. FML

Today, my boss told me that as funny as it is, it is inappropriate to mock customers with my "fake" Scottish accent. I don't, he refuses to believe that I speak with a Scottish accent. FML

Today, I was taking a walk with a girl I really like. Trying to impress her, I mentioned I'd just learned how to do a front flip, and she told me to prove it. I did the flip, but stumbled forward on the landing and smacked head-first into a pole. She's still laughing. FML

Today, I learned that the only way to get my boyfriend to respond to me is through nudes. FML

Today, my neighbor tried to shoot my dog but missed and hit a rock. A shard of the bullet hit me in the leg and fractured my shin. Hello from the ER. FML

Today, my apartment was robbed by my landlord. Her logic? "I own the building, and therefore everything in it." That TV cost more than my rent. FML

Today, what I thought was going to be a lunch date turned into a life insurance sales pitch. FML

Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 17 months, the first guy to tell me he loves me, the guy I lost my virginity to, the only guy whose parents I've met, told me we should stop 'hooking up' because it's weird that I was telling everyone we were a couple and it was ruining his chances of finding a girlfriend. FML

Today, I discovered the true meaning of being scared shitless. My father in a clown costume emerged from my closet. Needless to say something emerged from me. FML

Today, one of the guys I work with ran his finger down the back of my shirt and said, "Just checking to see if you're wearing a bra today". FML

Today, I received the beautiful dress I'd ordered on the internet. It's a size smaller than my usual, just to encourage me to lose weight. I managed to fit into it and wear it all day, but I've now been struggling for a couple of hours to remove it without tearing it to bits. FML