Today, my ex, for whom I still have feelings, introduced me to his new girlfriend. To make things "less awkward," he invited a mutual friend of ours. However, the last time I'd seen this friend, it was a week after my ex and I had broke up, and we hooked up. Awkward doesn't cover it. FML
Today, as I turned to face the cashier at the supermarket, I managed to knock over an entire display of gift cards with my backpack. FML
Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML
Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that miles are the same distance for everything. He thought that human miles were different than mouse miles, because they're smaller. He's 34. FML
Today, I found out my credit card was maxed out to the penny, all thanks to purchases made on an online wine store. Apparently my mother was thirsty enough to steal from her own son. FML
Today, my mom made me go to church choir rehearsal with her so I could sing "the gay" out of me. FML
Today, my stepmom sat me down and told me that she doesn't think that my dad is my biological father because she hasn't gotten pregnant from him. I don't think she quite understands the concept of being a stepmom. FML
Today, a close friend told me she had no plans for her birthday. I found out she was lying when I had to serve her and nine other mutual friends dinner at the restaurant I work at. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I wasn't invited or that none of them even remembered that I worked there. FML
Today, I discovered that I've spent so much time playing Sudoku in the bathroom at work that I've trained myself to need to pee whenever I open the app. FML
Today, I confessed to my coworker that I'm interested in her romantically. She turned me down, saying that I'm a great guy, but that she basically doesn't want mixed-race children. She said she isn't racist, though, so I guess it's all okay, right? FML
Today, my step-brother went grocery shopping alone for the first time. He came home with Ramen and 14 bottles of chocolate milk, which will expire by the 20th. My step-dad is insisting we eat it so it doesn't go to waste. FML
Today, I got a concussion at work. Our resident schizophrenic decided to test how gravity worked by dropping a torch over the bannister directly onto my head. I'm still seeing stars. FML
Today, my wife knelt down in front me to give me a blowjob. As she took my underwear off a moth flew out of them. I've got no idea how it got there but I was cock-blocked by a moth. FML
Today, I came home early to surprise my boyfriend. I walked into our bedroom to find him in dressed completely in my clothes, and in makeup. It took me a moment to realize it was him and not a female intruder. FML
Today, I went for a much needed relaxing massage. As I lay down, the renovation works in the next building started up. FML
Today, my sister finally came home from the hospital with my new baby nephew. When I got a chance to hold him, my mother mentioned that he looked a lot like me when I was a baby. My sister started crying. FML
Today, my husband came home from a six-month business trip. When I saw him, I hugged and kissed him. My grandma started calling me a slutty whore, and told us we were a disgrace to our family, while trying to hit him with her cane. FML
Today, I was at my job as a bagger in a grocery store when I felt the intense need to shit. On my way to the bathroom, an elderly customer insisted I go with her to find an item she needed, despite my telling her exactly where it was and that I was in a hurry. I didn't make it back to the bathroom. FML
Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML
Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML
Today, I had to explain to someone in my class who Gandhi really was and that he was not a fictional goblin. FML
Today, my relatives told me that when I stay at their house for the holidays, I'm no longer allowed to be out past 10 because somebody drugged my drink once. I'm a 25 year old man. FML
Today, I was in class and I smelled what I thought was month-old trash coming from a student in front of me. I politely ignored the smell, only to realize a few hours later that the persistent smell wasn't coming from every student in my university, but was from my shoes. FML
Today, I was in a car accident, two days before Christmas. I'm now laying at home, not able to walk. My whole family thinks that I'm joking. A car drove over my foot, I'm not joking. FML
Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML
Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML
Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML
Today, on my day off, despite working a night shift the night before I was up early to clean and cook all day to spoil my boyfriend. At 10 p.m. when I finally settled down into the bathtub, my phone rang. It was work, asking where I was for my shift. I didn't have the day off. FML
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