Today, I spent a quarter of an hour trying to figure out why my car wouldn't unlock, then why my number plate had changed. FML
Today, I asked my grandpa why he spoils me so much. He told me it's because he truly believes no one else will ever want to. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML
Today, after doing tons of research on a wand my little brother wanted for Christmas, I finally found one on eBay for $60. After already giving my credit card info and confirming the purchase, my dad called me and told me he found the exact same one for six bucks at a local toy store. FML
Today, at work, a customer cried because the cake I made her was not "exactly" the same as the display. I'm the one who made the display and it was the same but the display cake had faded a bit, since it had been there for a month. I'd mentioned this to the customer when she placed the order. FML
Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML
Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring because he was so good looking. FML
Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML
Today, while shopping with my father, I had to use the restroom. As soon as I opened the door to the men's room, my father yelled that it was the ladies' room. I then turned around and went through the other door, where I ended up getting bitch-slapped. FML
Today, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard, so I called my brother over to take a look. He said "Hmm, wonder how fast you can run…" then hurled a rock at the nest and sprinted back to the house. I wasn't so fast. I now feel like someone's beaten me half to death with a cactus. FML
Today, I witnessed my very overweight cat trying to jump over my fence, only to shit himself half way up, and then land in it. FML
Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML
Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML
Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML
Today, at Christmas dinner, my grandmother talked about the death of every single dog she ever had. All 10 of them. FML
Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML
Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML
Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML
Today, I had to drive my husband to hospital after he tried to burn his pubes off with a lighter as part of a bet. On the upside, he probably won't be bugging me for sex for a while. On the downside, I'm married to a moron. FML
Today, my obsessive stalker of an ex found my girlfriend on Facebook and sent her a message saying just ":)". For some reason I'll never understand, she took this as a sign that I'd just slept with my ex. Now I'm single, and my ex is probably planning her next move. FML
Today, my little sister came up to me and said, "Aww, don't be sad. Even ugly people can get boyfriends." She then smiled, patted my back, and walked off. I wasn't actually sad before, but I am now. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML
Today, I was chatting with the girl of my dreams, a real heart-to-heart. Everything was going great, and I asked her if she'd like to get coffee together sometime. She immediately backed away and excused herself, mumbling something about not dating left-handed people. Huh? FML
Today, my mom finally got a Netflix account after months of me begging. When I asked her what the login was, she refused to give it to me. She said, "Netflix will know it's not me and then they'll cancel our account." FML
Today, my mom and I went to exchange a massive stuffed animal, which was meant for my niece. I was carrying it when I saw a really hot guy looking at me funny. My mom snickered and told him that I never go anywhere without "George". FML
Today, I got a gift-wrapped package in the mail from my racist mother-in-law. She's always hated me, so I thought it was a bit strange. Inside was a squirt gun and a note telling me to take my "black ass" for a walk around a police station with it, followed with a smiley face. FML
Today, at the airport, a lady bitched me out for changing her departure gate. She called me incompetent and accused me of "messing with people's lives" by "making them walk." I didn't change the gate, and the other gate was less than 10 feet away. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Things got heated and I yelled, "Who's your daddy?" With a blank expression she replied, "I don't know." FML
Today, my parents threw a hissy fit calling me ungrateful and disrespectful for wanting to do laundry and clean at home, instead of going out to their friends' house for dinner. They also disconnected the Internet to punish me when they left. I'm 20 and visiting home on a college break. FML
Today, I slept on the plane ride home and had a scary nightmare. I started screaming in my dream, so loud that it shocked the old lady sitting next to me into screaming as well. The whole plane began laughing as we were both screaming. FML
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