Mademoiselle Candy Mountain 37 ans Célibataire
Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML
Today, I realized I've been playing too much Call of Duty. I started screaming, "Spawn, bitch! Spawn!" at my microwavable pizza while it was in the microwave. FML
Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML
Today, my best friend lost her virginity in the backseat of a car. I was sitting in the front. FML
Today, while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his way with his hand. He was quoting verses from the Bible. I was in a cubicle and he was at the urinal. I was too frightened to leave. This went on for a very long time. FML
Today, as I got to my first class seat on an airplane, I saw the person I'd be sitting next to wafting the smell of her vagina towards herself and breathing in deeply. It's an eight hour flight. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to take our first shower together. When he came into the room, he had swimming trunks on. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He decided to make gun sound effects as he came. FML
Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML
Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML
Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML
Today, I went to the ER after a fall. Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I joked, "No martians have crawled into my uterus, then?" She didn't get it, and I had my head scanned for brain trauma. Never crack a joke in a hospital. FML
Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML
Today, the guy who sits next to me in my psychology class openly admitted to torturing animals as a child. It's going to be a long semester. FML
Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML
Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML
Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML
Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML
Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML
Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML
Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML
Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML
Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML
Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML
Today, I walked in on one of my housemates pissing in the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. FML
Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML
Today, the landlord of our building constructed a bathroom in the space under the stairs, outside my office, on the other side of a thin wall. He must have some kind of bowel disorder, because now I get to hear the sounds of his loud, wet and gassy pooping several times per day. FML
Today, my mom and I had an argument about my laziness. We did this as I was eating uncooked rice because I didn't want to have to walk to the kitchen and put it into the microwave. FML
Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML
Today, I shat out a staple. FML
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