yankfan89

Today, when I had a go at my husband for spending way too much time in front of the TV, he pointed the remote control at me while miming turning down the volume in order to make me shut up. FML

Today, I saw my four-year-old son running around outside, and copying everything our dog was doing. I thought it was cute, so I went to grab the camera. When I went back outside, I saw my dog eating a dead rabbit, and my son doing the same. FML

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend's crazy ex, who let herself in with her old key. She screamed at me to get out of "her" bed, snatched "her" blanket off of my body, and finally dragged the bed itself out the door. I was still in it. FML

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing "we're through fat slob" on my forehead whilst I was asleep in permanent marker. FML

Today, I was in the line at Chipotle and noticed a very attractive lady in her mid 20's. I deliberately took the table next to her and her friend and happened to overhear what they were talking about. They were both discussing how much diarrhea they were going to have when they got home. FML

Today, I forgot to take a certain medication that helps turn my lead logs into flaky floaters. So what happens? I'm in the restroom for 30 minutes, straining to go, and two girls walk in and start imitating me. FML

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "That's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "Push a little harder" while dissecting a frog. FML

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

Today, I was walking around my new school trying to figure out where to go. Then I realized I was talking to myself. Out loud. FML

Headshot!

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

Giving up

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..." FML

Today, I had to apply medicine to my friend's spider bites, located on her ass crack. FML

Praise the Lord

Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML

Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I got a graphing calculator and my period. FML

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

Happy…?

Today, I called my parents to wish them a happy 28th anniversary. Now my mom's mad at my dad for forgetting, and my dad's mad at me for reminding her. FML

I'm not getting paid enough for this shit

Today, at work, my boss made me spend a hour trying to catch a baby raccoon in the parking lot. I'm a bank teller. FML

Unfinished Somniloquy

Today, I was in lying in bed with my boyfriend while he was asleep. He is going to school to be a doctor, and it appears that he says anatomical terms while asleep. My boyfriend can make me feel stupid in his sleep. FML

Today, my mother, my aunt, and my two sisters are all on their periods. I can't even brush my teeth in my own house without being treated like a criminal. FML

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML