lilnikki123452

Creaky floorboards

Today, my bed fell through my floor. With me on it. FML

Today, while correcting essays, I spilled ketchup on a student's paper. I managed to successfully turn it into a happy smiley face but when proudly looking at the result, noticed it was right next to the big "F" that I had graded it. FML

Today, I had a friend tell me all about how being a vegan was so great. They were eating eggs. FML

Today, I got a letter in the mail telling me to report for jury duty. The day that I have to show up is the day of my wedding. FML

Today, my husband recited to me the name and model number of every single weapon in the game Doom, along with what they did and roughly where to find them. Last month, he forgot my birthday. We've been married for 6 years; he hasn't played Doom in at least 10. FML

Today, my new boyfriend with whom I'm completely smitten called me and told me he had an early Valentine's Day gift for me. Gonorrhea. FML

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

Unwarranted

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I'd dated girls with smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML

Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML

Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little girl and her mother walked past. Seeing the little girl staring at me, I waved. The girl then pointed to me and asked her mother "Mommy, is that man pregnant?" FML

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML

Today, I met my ex's new boyfriend. I was at work, cashiering at the movie theater that they were apparently having their first date at. We broke up less than 24 hours ago. FML

Shower sex time?

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

Today, my mom took my cell to work with her. When she got home later, she scolded me for not answering her calls. When I pointed out that she'd taken it, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

All is quiet on New Year's Day

Today, I flew to Dubai, en route to my new job in Afghanistan. Both of my bags were lost, my debit card was frozen in London, the next flight was cancelled, and I can't get a hotel room. I'm in the richest city in world with no money and no room. Happy New Year. FML

Panic!

Today, I was sleeping over at a friend's house. I went and took a shower, and as I tried to get out, the door jammed. I called my friend for help, and after much tugging, the glass shattered all over me. She panicked and sent her dad to rescue me. It was the first time he and I had met. FML

Today, while shopping at Wal-Mart, a guy grabbed my butt. When I turned around to slap him, he shook his head, said "Nice ass but such an ugly face", then walked away. I've never been told I'm ugly before. FML

Party Hard!

Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited to any parties, and we don't have a sitter to be able to go out by ourselves. Instead, I'm watching "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2" on the Disney channel with our 5-year-old, and my husband has passed out on the couch from sheer boredom. FML

Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML

Creeped out

Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked, "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied, "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

Today, I woke up after a long night of partying. When I went to wash off my face, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My missing tooth was almost enough to make me overlook my black eye. FML

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML

Today, I received a late Christmas present from my estranged father. I was really excited, having neither seen nor heard from him in nearly two years. It was a $200 gift card for a store that only exists in Canada. I don't live in Canada. Not even close. FML

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

Today, it finally became clear to me that before you start dating a co-worker, it's best to figure out who they've already dated from work, just in case one of her exes is your new manager. FML