Today, I went to my first class of the year. The first thing the teacher said was, "I hate this f*cking school." FML
Today, I used a restroom. While doing my thing, the power in my building completely went out. There was another person in the restroom making demonic noises and scratching at my stall. When the power came back on, he was gone. I think I'm being haunted. FML
Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML
Today, at the Eurostar customs, an officer asked me if I had packed my luggage myself. I teasingly answered "No, I was helped by a member of Al Qaeda." which earned me a body and luggage search and a missed train. FML
Today, my dog found my marijuana pipe and the bag it was in and brought it to my parents. FML
Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML
Today, I bit into a cereal bar and thought the inside was oddly damp. I took a look at it and saw a maggot worm wriggling around. Its friend was in my mouth. FML
Today, I woke up at my grandparents house since my mom was out of town, still half asleep i went to brush my teeth. Mid brush my mouth started getting numb I looked again at the tooth paste I used..turns out it was my grandpa's anti-itch anal cream. FML
Today, I heard back from my store management interview at Target. I was offered an overnight stock clerk position. When I called HR to find out if my application was in the wrong file I was told I lack the leadership qualities necessary for Target. I graduated with honors from a military school. FML
Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that's exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML
Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
Today, I wanted to change out of my bikini for the ride home from the beach. There wasn't a bathroom near, so I went to change in front of a suburban, parked far away from all the people. I took off my suit, hear the car's horn honk, only to find that the car was completely packed with old men. FML
Today, while at the bakeshop, I got bored waiting in line so I rested on the glass protecting the cupcakes. Turns out there was no glass. I had to pay $50 to cover all the mess and had to walk out of the bakeshop with icing all over my butt. FML
Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bear to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML
Today, my dad told me about how my mother had a bad dream last night and began to scream, "Don't take me, take my children!" FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML
Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "See you soon beautiful." Touched, I went to give him a parting kiss. He stopped me and said, "I was talking to the cat." FML
Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML
Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML
Today, our midterm exams were returned in my urban politics class. I had studied hard and scored 86%. The blonde girl next to me got a 92. Earlier in the semester she had asked me what state Detroit was in. FML
Today, for my art project, I spent hours painting my whole body in black spots with acrylic paint. I then went and stood outside in the snow, naked, so I could take pictures of it. Only then to find out the camera was out of batteries. FML
Today, I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. I put it on, walked out to the living room, and told my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. He said no, then pretended to fall asleep. FML
Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML
Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML
Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML
Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML
Today, when I came home from work, my computer was drenched with water. My sister claimed there was smoke coming out of it. FML
Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML
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