Today, I caught my boyfriend of two years cheating on me. Instead of the usual excuses, he panicked and claimed he was my boyfriend's long-lost twin brother. He even tried to put on a fake accent. FML
Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had amazing make-up sex after a huge fight. Turns out he forgot to let me know it was actually break-up sex. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm breaking up with her because she's very abusive. After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, she kicked me in the nuts and ran away. FML
Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. He really likes Legend of Zelda, so I put on a Link hat, took my clothes off, and waited for him at his place. He came home with a hooker. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be funny to mow a penis into our lawn. I guess he forgot my parents are coming over. FML
Today, I found out I do not have a fast metabolism, I've actually had a tape worm living inside me for 3 years. FML
Today, my wife told my 7-year-old son that he looks just like me. He began crying and said, "I don't want to be ugly like him." FML
Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML
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