MrEatYourDog

Today, I realised that my boyfriend gets a boner every time I cry. FML

Today, my mother talked shit about me to the cat while I was in the room. FML

Today, my girlfriend heard a great quote about not letting anyone drag her down. She took it to mean, "break up with your boyfriend." FML

Today, while walking alone through a sketchy neighbourhood after a party, I learned that I look too broke to even rob and "not worth the bother". Overhead from a guy waiting for me in a bush with a flashlight and his equally charming friend. FML

Today, my co-worker handed me the phone and said it was my boyfriend calling, so I answered "Hello, Love!" It was my boss. FML

You have the same voice!

Today, I had decided that I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend. So, I called him and told him how naughty I felt, only to realize that I had called my dad. FML

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 weeks showed up at my house at 7 AM. I was about to give him a kiss when he said, "Good morning, is Sarah here?" I was confused until I realized he didn't recognize me because I had no make up on. FML

Get out of my way!

Today, I went down a water slide. Halfway through, I got stuck behind some kids who were blocking the tube. Seconds later, a big-boned lady crashed into my back. Her solution to break the blockade was to start kicking my back repeatedly as hard as she could. The kids still wouldn't move. FML

Many rivers to cross

Today, the waste disposal truck managed to tip over a Portapotty on our work site, causing the contents to overflow and run down the bank towards my Portakabin office, where someone had left the door open. All my money, ID, and my car keys are now shut off to me by a river of shit. FML

Trumpets!

Today, I had to listen to Lou Bega's "Mambo Number 5" on constant replay for 3 hours, because my little sister was trying to learn a dance for a recital. It would have been even longer than 3 hours, but she then realized that she was dancing to the wrong song. FML

Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

Today, after working a double shift, I got home to total pandemonium. My dogs had crapped all over the house, my kitchen was soaking wet, etc. My mother, who just moved in with me, was sitting on the couch, saying she had no idea what happened. FML

Get on with it

Today, after nearly two months of working at my new job, one of my co-workers finally explained to me that the list of tasks that our boss gives me every day are actually HER duties, and as I complete them, she just sits in her office and watches Netflix. FML

Hostus mostus

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

Today, I went to have a drink with my friend. On the way I withdrew 20 bucks and when I arrived at the bar I realised I had taken my credit card but not the banknote. FML

Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML

Today, I was walking in the mall and passed one of the hair product booths (with the people who constanly harrass you as you walk by). In front of half of the mall the woman working there told me that she had several products that I could use to touch up my roots. I'm a natural red head. FML

Today, my roomate took the toilet paper out of my bathroom. I went into his room to look for it, only to find a large wad of it balled up near his laptop and mouse. FML

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

Drink up

Today, I drank for every year I've been in school. While in my bed I felt I was too drunk to get up and throw up in the bathroom so I decided to just do it on my floor and clean it up later. Later on I woke up and realized I threw up on my $1000 laptop. FML

Today, at work, I was alone in the breakroom when I got a slight pain in my belly. I thought I needed to pass gas, so I tried since no one else was in there. It wasn't gas. It was diarrhea. I'm wearing a mini skirt today. FML

Hello Zoe

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and started knocking on his door, asking, "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answered, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

Why would you do that?

Today, after sex with my girlfriend, I thought it would be sexy to wear her underwear until we saw each other again. I found a pair in her bathroom, but they definitely weren't her sexy ones. Her mom walked in on me to collect the laundry and screeched, "What are you doing with my panties!" FML

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

Unbelievable

Today, I received two withdrawal grades in school for dropping the classes due to a kidney infection that kept me in the hospital. I wrote a petition to the dean asking to remove the grades. He replied to send a doctor's note. I did so, and he then said that I was faking and the note was forged. FML

Caught short

Today, I ran to a public bathroom because of explosive diarrhea. In the middle of it, I noticed there was no more toilet paper nor paper towels remaining. The smallest bill in my wallet was a 5. I had to pay 10 dollars to wipe my own butt. FML

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

Today, my daughter said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML