Monsieur En couple
Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about our past relationships. He told me that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was smart and he suited someone who was quite stupid. He then went on to say that I was perfect for him. FML
Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML
Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML
Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend wants to move in with me is so he has better internet connection and won't get kicked off of Xbox live while playing MW2. FML
Today, I superglued my headphones back together. They weren't dry before I put them back in my ears. FML
Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML
Today, I got a text from my ex, "I miss you." I was happy to hear this, so I replied, "Really?" I got in return, "Not really, I'm just really horny and thinking of you." FML
Today, my dad found the ugliest picture my mom has ever taken. I show it to her laughing. She said it looks like me. I looked again and it kind of does. FML
Today, my cousin and his fiancée took me to my first strip club experience. One of the strippers came over and danced for me. She pulled her thong string out and I tried to place the dollar in it with my mouth. I missed, to which she said "Put it in there, retard." FML
Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks to my dog when she's done something bad. FML
Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML
Today, I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. It was my personal vibrator. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My dad was supposed to take me to get a tattoo, but instead he went to the bar, got drunk, and told me how I was the biggest mistake he and my mom have ever made. FML
Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years dumped me, because I'd changed too much for her to bear, and I was breaking her heart. How did I change? I got braces. FML
Today, I saw Saw IV with my boyfriend. He held me close and said, "I'll protect you." A few seconds later, he jumped up so violently, he gave me a bloody nose, and ran screaming out of the room. FML
Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML
Today, I finally went running to help me start losing weight. I got 50 metres before someone in a passing car shouted out "Run fatty, run". I can't work up the courage to go for a run again. FML
Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said, "Right now?" FML
Today, I went to the ER after a fall. Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I joked, "No martians have crawled into my uterus, then?" She didn't get it, and I had my head scanned for brain trauma. Never crack a joke in a hospital. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm "high maintenance." I'd only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth. He hasn't had a shower in over a week. FML
Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML
Today, while I was in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been Facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML
Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML
Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML
Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said, "Why can't every guy be as handsome as you?" I would have been flattered by the comment, if I was a guy. FML
Today, I asked my friend what form of birth control she used the first time she had sex. She stared at me like I was from another planet and said, "You can't get pregnant the first time..." This moron is my best friend. FML
Today, my boyfriend pulled on my pubes and made 'engine starting' noises. This was his attempt at foreplay. FML
Today, I was walking home through the slush and snow when a car drove by, soaking me with dirty water. Frustrated, I flipped him off. He then turned around and splashed me again. FML
Today, a coworker introduced herself to me and told me she hopes I enjoy my new job. We've worked in the same building for two years. I say hello every time I see her. FML
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