Today, while I was hanging out with a cute girl, I slapped her ass playfully. She told me that she was going to get me back. She slapped my ass later that night unexpectedly while I was holding in a huge fart... It came out. FML
Today, while on vacation, I called my home phone to check the messages. Someone answered. FML
Today, I was prank called yet again by someone asking for a game that was released over 10 years ago. The store I work at only sells modern titles, and I angrily slammed the phone down. My boss saw and fired me on the spot. FML
Today, my wicked mother has been with us for a week. She's already thrown away my daughter's favorite toy, broke my computer, scratched my oak table, stained my most expensive shirt, peed in our bed, and called the attention of the cops by staring at kids in school. She's staying for three months. FML
Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML
Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML
Today, I wanted to try seducing my boyfriend by having nothing but a t-shirt on for when he'd get back from work. He came home, saw me, apologized bashfully for failing to knock first, and went back outside. FML
Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML
Today, after months of busting our asses and working round the clock on our latest project, I and the whole office just got bad news: when our boss promised extremely generous bonuses for doing all this, he was point-blank lying, and intended to take credit for our work all along. FML
Today, I was taking a selfie. My grandma saw me, then after smirking to herself, she went and told my parents that I was "doing that sexting thing". They believed her and grounded me, even after I showed that all my photos and sent messages were totally innocent. FML
Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML
Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, I tried to pull the old "bucket of water above the door" prank on my brother, but the bucket didn't fall when he opened the door. He noticed it, took it down, then pinned me to the floor and waterboarded me with the ice-cold water. FML
Today, I finally got time to take a nap. Later, my mom asked me if I was depressed because I didn't leave my room for 3 hours. She talked to my dad about it, and now my family thinks I'm depressed because I slept for 3 hours. FML
Today, I had to go back to the restaurant I had just eaten at and beg for my tip back so I could afford my bus home. FML
Today, I bought an electric toothbrush because they're supposed to be a lot healthier than regular ones. My crazy religious mom immediately called me a whore and said she knew what I really wanted to use it for. So that's $80 in the trash. FML
Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML
Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with a chronic pain condition. My parents seemed very sympathetic and my mother even cried. When we got home, though, they started laughing and asked if I really believed all the shit the doctor was talking about. FML
Today, I decided to act on my therapist's advice and ask my crush out. She turned me down because I'm apparently too much of a downer. The reason I have a therapist is because I'm depressed. FML
Today, I saw the postman approach my house through the window, and my immediate reaction was to drop to the floor in fear. FML
Today, five minutes into a first date with a woman I really wanted to impress, we got on to a very busy train. I was so concerned with making sure that my backpack didn't get caught in the closing doors that I forgot to worry about my head. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was so angry, she stabbed me in the hand with a plastic fork. FML
Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML
Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML
Today, at the beach, a seagull conveyed its opinion of my cigarette by taking a dump on it, putting it out. Seems they have anti-tobacco sniper seagulls now. FML
Today, my boss threw me out of her office during a conference call for daring to correct her. The client fired the company because she subsequently got all the information on the call wrong, and plainly had no idea what was going on. From all the screaming, this is now all my fault. FML
Today, my sister asked me, while making a cup of green tea with honey, "I wonder why they call it honey?" I replied, "Probably some Greek or Latin word meaning 'to sweeten'." She stopped, turned and with a serious face asked, "Where exactly is Latin?" FML
Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML
Today, my teacher marked a test question wrong, even though I was sure I got it right, so I went online to check. I found a government-approved website showing proof that my answer was correct. My teacher still counted it wrong, because, "We follow the book." That book's older than I am. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
