Mademoiselle 29 ans Célibataire
Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML
Today, I saw my grandma had registered on Facebook, so I wrote a welcome post on her wall. She replied "Delete." several times, then called me, accusing me of "hacking" her and demanding that I remove my name from her page at once. FML
Today, my hiccups got so intense that I threw up in the middle of class. FML
Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML
Today, I fell in the shower and the doors jammed shut. I was stuck in there for hours, waiting for my parents to come home. They had to open the door for me while I was still naked inside. FML
Today, my mother confused the terms 'necromancy' and 'necrophilia'. We had a great talk about why you shouldn't have sex with dead people. FML
Today, my girlfriend said she was going to start appreciating the little things in life. She's starting with my penis. FML
Today, after struggling for over a year with it, and now having it medically confirmed, I told my step-dad about my depression. He gave me a disgusted look and scoffed, "Toughen up, cunt." FML
Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML
Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML
Today, the girl I've been seeing for just over a week casually let me know that she'll slash her wrists if I ever leave her. FML
Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML
Today, I'm stuck in a taxi cab while the driver listens to a radio show about sex fetishes. Can't wait to look him in the eye as I pay him. FML
Today, I slipped on some ice and wrecked my back. When my husband and I went to go to bed, he begged me to take one of the pain pills left over from his recent surgery. Not so I could feel better and get some rest, but so he could have sex. FML
Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML
Today, my drunken mom began to frantically scream, "YEAH", "WOO HOO", and, "ALRIGHT" at some kindergarteners that were singing 'Amazing Grace' in honor of a restaurant owner who had recently died. FML
Today, while on the train heading to my new job, my coat caught between two seats. I didn't notice until my stop. I whacked myself in the face in front of everyone trying to get it free, and ended up missing my stop. When I finally got to work, I was told not to bother coming in again. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me for another girl, via a text message ending with "No hard feelings. Well xcept 4 my cock obvs. ;)" Fuck you, Rick. FML
Today, my sister came out of the closet. By which I mean she came out as the pregnant mother of my boyfriend's child. FML
Today, after a 7-year dry spell, I finally got laid. The downside? It was in my dreams and involved a character from My Little Pony forcing itself on me. Now I hate that fucking stupid show more than ever. FML
Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML
Today, I was turned down from the dream job that I was promised two years ago, once my chemo and radiation therapy was finished. His excuse? He never actually expected me to survive. FML
Today, I discovered that my fiancé consistently thinks about his fear of breaking his penis while we have sex. He's afraid to have sex with me. FML
Today, I realized I hate my boyfriend's little sister enough to break up with him. FML
Today, I was demoted as a bridesmaid in a wedding because I dyed my hair, and didn't ask permission from the bride to do so. The bride is my sister. FML
Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML
Today, I walked twenty minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked me over, and face-fulls of stinging hailstones. Less than a minute after I finally got inside, the weather cleared up, the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. FML
Today, I noticed that my son was less excited about losing a tooth than normal. I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Tyler told me that the tooth fairy died yesterday in a car accident." To which Tyler replied, "You're welcome." FML
Today, after seven people at work approaching me and asking me if I was 'that lad from the paper', I picked one up to see what they were talking about. Turns out my doppelganger is a man who brutally murdered his older brother last year. FML
Today, I got a laptop for my birthday. I was thrilled until I realized that my mom had given away my old one without asking. 6 years of games, music, and pictures down the drain. FML
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