soccer555

Today, I ripped my stitches while taking a shit. FML

Today, I lost my virginity in a porta-potty. FML

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML

Today, I was talking with my mother. As we went to say goodbye, she said "I love you". Out of habit of saying I love you to my girlfriend, I said, "Love you too babe". FML

Parkour

Today, I had to get stitches in my vagina due to an unfortunate mishap while climbing a fence. FML

Today, my supervisor forced me to bring the image of a failed simulation to the group meeting, because he thought it looked funny. So did the others and it's now going on our webpage. I have to provide a scientific description of how I made a mistake in my code. FML

Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML

Today, my 13-year-old sister told me that she wants to get pregnant soon to stop her periods for a while. I can't believe we're related. FML

Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML

Inappropriate

Today, I took my 5-year-old daughter to the play place at McDonald's but I had to keep her busy, instead of letting her play. A mom was teaching her 3-year-old daughter how to pole dance, using the play place's poles. FML

Today, I got a massage. Just as I was starting to relax, the massage therapist drooled on my face. FML

Today, my 3-year-old broke his glasses, clogged the toilet with Hot Wheel cars, and covered the whole house with Cheerios. All in a matter of roughly six minutes while I was putting laundry away. FML

Today, my dad tricked the local biker gang into believing he's actually part of the Russian mob. FML

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

Today, I received the beautiful dress I'd ordered on the internet. It's a size smaller than my usual, just to encourage me to lose weight. I managed to fit into it and wear it all day, but I've now been struggling for a couple of hours to remove it without tearing it to bits. FML

Today, a few weeks after teaching my dog to fetch my phone and drop it in my lap, he decided to do it spontaneously. Too bad I was in the bath at the time. There goes a $300 phone. FML

Today, I tripped while rushing to my classes. In a desperate attempt to regain my balance, I grabbed the nearest thing to me. A fire alarm. FML

Today, I went into work early so I could get my work all done and leave on time, rather than staying back. The later shift starters had other ideas and called in sick. FML

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

Today, after a relaxing week away, my husband and I came home to discover our 17 year old son crashed one of our cars against the other. FML

Big girl

Today, I received several pairs of panties in the mail that I'd ordered online. When I opened the box, I was shocked because every pair was basically huge granny-panties. I was sure none would fit properly, but I tried them on to be sure. They fit perfectly. FML

Chilling

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

Emergency!

Today, I started getting really bad chest pains at work. I googled it and the internet convinced me I was having a heart attack. Scared for my life, I started to dial for an ambulance when I let out the biggest fart you could ever imagine. Turns out it was trapped gas. FML

Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML

Today, despite having a stomach bug, I went into work, as my boss is overseas and had warned me not to take any sick leave until she returned. After 4 hours and vomiting twice, I left. She found out and sent me an email bitching me out for coming in sick. FML

Corporate says no

Today, whilst in the last week of my notice period, I was instructed by my boss to tell six new employees that their jobs had fallen through before they'd even started. Later that afternoon, I received a call from my line manager. Guess whose own job has fallen through too. FML

Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML

Get back here!

Today, I saw a lady with a stroller in the park. She stopped at the water fountain and got a drink, then left without her baby. I ran to the stroller and started rolling it after her. Two grown men attacked me, accusing me of trying to steal said baby. Turns out it was a baby doll. FML

Today, my dad sat me down and angrily accused me of doing drugs, all because he's noticed I've recently become a lot more energetic and emotional than usual. The truth is, I'd been smoking weed daily for 3 years and just decided to never smoke it again 2 weeks ago. FML