Mademoiselle 29 ans Célibataire
Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML
Today, I set up a profile on a dating app, stating that I'm awkward amongst other things. Within minutes, a guy messaged me. I was thrilled, until he started threatening me because he has Aspergers, and according to him, only they are "allowed" to be awkward. I had to delete my profile. FML
Today, on my first ski run down a mountain, I dislocated my patella. Now I get to watch out of the window as my family builds a snowman and names it after me. FML
Today, I had to deal with numerous complaints about an employee washing their genitals in the communal bathroom sink. Nothing in the HR manual prepared me for this. FML
Today, our band had a road trip. Two people chose to stack themselves on top of each other to share a seat rather than sit in the last seat next to me. FML
Today, I got mugged while walking my dog. He seemed to be OK with it. FML
Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML
Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML
Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML
Today, I called asking about a job I interviewed for 3 weeks ago. It's a scummy call center where known drug addicts work. They told me I wasn't getting the job. I guess my high school diploma and being drug-free makes me not good enough to work there. FML
Today, I am struggling with exhaustion due to insomnia. The reason I cannot sleep is crippling anxiety - not about my complicated romantic situation, my pileup of work, or even my relationship with my father. No, I'm afraid of a blind ship captain I saw in a dream three days ago. FML
Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML
Today, I went to a club to celebrate New Year's Eve. A cute guy came up to me at the bar and asked my name. I thought my 8 year long dry spell was finally about to end. I smiled and said "Chrissy!" He said "That's a whore's name!" and wandered back off into the crowd. FML
Today, my mom tried to give me a pep talk to boost my self confidence. Somehow, it ended up turning into a conversation about how much of a loser I am and how I have no friends. FML
Today, I got a letter from my long time boyfriend asking me to meet him at the place we first met for a "surprise". I can't remember where that even is. FML
Today, I could not decide what was sadder: the fact that I have to work on New Year's Eve, or that fact that working on New Year's Eve is still the most exciting thing I've ever done for New Year's Eve. FML
Today, I had numerous calls from people saying they need a baby sitter, because "they know I wasn't invited anywhere". FML
Today, I'm celebrating New Year's with my cat. I made her a cake. FML
Today, my proposal to my girlfriend was supposed to be exactly when the ball dropped at midnight. Unfortunately my mother called her at 11:55pm to ask her if she liked the ring. FML
Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML
Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML
Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML
Today, I volunteered to tutor a 17-year-old girl in science. I had to explain in detail of what the real Big Bang theory was, as she only knew about the show. Later, I heard I was reported by her because apparently, "I was trying to convert her to Scientology." I now know why she needed a tutor. FML
Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML
Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML
Today, I came out as bisexual to my friends via group message. They didn't respond; I had a panic attack. An hour later, one of my friends texted back, "k". FML
Today, my sister ended her long and extremely annoying crush on Justin Bieber. I can only hope one day my girlfriend will end hers too. FML
Today, my parents told me off for reading, as opposed to watching TV like the rest of the family, because it was "anti-social". FML
Today, my son gave me a bottle of shampoo for my birthday. I'm as bald as a coot. FML
Today, after my dad trying every bait, hormone, and poison, the cockroaches in this apartment have gone crazy. They are trying to kill themselves. One tried to commit suicide, by suffocation, in my mouth this morning. FML
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