Rainbowjumper0

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML

Today, my wife bought $80 worth of Glee songs on iTunes. FML

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

Smoking is so cool

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML

Today, after an extremely hard day at work, I took a hot shower to wind down a little bit. I accidentally splashed a painful amount of hot water and shampoo in my eyes. My left contact is now stuck to my eyeball. FML

Today, I realized that I frequently argue with myself and respond back. FML

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

Today, I got a paper cut from a 'get well soon' card. FML

Today, I realized my mom cares more about Kurt's bullying problem on Glee than she does for mine. FML

Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML

Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

Today, I accidentally said, "Yes, Sir." to my female teacher. I then apologized by saying, "Sorry, Sir." FML

Today, I wrote in my own yearbook with different styles of handwriting so my mom would think I have friends. FML

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

Today, as a part of my job, I took a couple around to look at houses that are on sale. After driving them around and looking at tons of houses, the wife said, "Okay. I think we have enough decorating ideas." FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML

Today, my new mailbox key finally arrived. Not at the front door as I requested, but in the mailbox. FML

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML

Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML