Rainbowjumper0

Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

Poker face

Today, I got back from a two-week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my roommate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML

Today, I found out I sleepwalk. How you might ask? By awakening the moment just before I fell from the stairs. I was better off sleeping. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I got in an argument so intense that she left saying that we needed to spend some time apart. The argument was over what was the best PIXAR movie. FML

Can't you see?

Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said, "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said, "No, seriously." FML

Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML

The dress is lit

Today, I saw a small child take a really bad fall off his scooter, so I got rid of my cigarette and ran to help him. I asked him if he was alright, or if I could walk him to his house. He replied "I'm okay, but your dress is on fire." It was. FML

Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said "Single". FML

*Banjo starts playing in the background*

Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML

Damn, son

Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought she was stronger than me so we arm wrestled. She won. I used both hands. FML

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML

Depressing

Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave, which flashes "Enjoy your meal" when it finishes cooking something. FML

Get them away from me

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML

Today, I took a picture of myself and put it on Facebook. After I did so, I realized that in the background, you can see my crush's Facebook page up on my laptop. He tagged himself. FML

Today, I auditioned for my school's production of Romeo and Juliet. When they announced that I got the part as Juliet, all the guys auditioning for Romeo suddenly disappeared. FML

It burns

Today, after my 22-year-old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

Fake it til you make it

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

Today, my roommate thought it would be a good idea to show me his huge new tarantula despite knowing that I have extremely severe arachnophobia. I ended up killing it with a book and apparently now owe him $500. FML

Today, I found out my cat is allergic to ME. No kidding. FML

Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML

What, me worry?

Today, we had a tornado warning and I told my parents I loved them, just in case. My dad just said, "See you in Kansas." FML

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML