Rainbowjumper0

Today, my husband has decided to grow a mullet. FML

Educational

Today, a police officer came to talk to the kids at my workplace. He asked what they wanted to hear about first. A group of them shouted, "The donuts, tells us about the donuts." Apparently these idiots are the future of my country. FML

Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML

Time wasted

Today, my parents made a list of all the things they could have done had I not been born. FML

Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a graduation gift: a new boyfriend. FML

Today, I was entering a guy's number into my phone, and I couldn't remember his name. Embarrassed, I tried to be sneaky and asked, "Can you spell your name for me, please?" His name is Bob. FML

Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML

Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML

Today, my mom and I somehow got into a serious argument over the ethics of capturing and training Pokémon. FML

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML

Bad vibes

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

Hot and… greasy

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML

Today, I went on a fifth date with a guy, and he asked me if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend. Just after I said yes, he pulled out a contract and asked me to sign on the dotted line. FML

Today, my friend and I were discussing music bands, and I asked who her favorite Queen member is. She looked at me like I was from another world and said, "I don't have a favorite British queen. That's like, so weird." FML

Today, my 15-year-old son begged me to pre-order the next season of My Little Pony. FML

Today, I had to scream for my dad to come help me, after I got my hair caught in a fan while trying to make the Darth Vader voice. FML

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn't write "Happy Birthday" on her Facebook wall. FML

Today, I posted a Facebook status on how I hated the new Batman movie. I'm now single, and have received multiple threats. FML

Today, I found myself actively concerned about what the characters from "Will and Grace" have been doing since the show went off the air. FML

Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML

Today, I bought the only cat on Earth that doesn't like chasing after a laser dot. Goodbye, hours of sick, sick entertainment. FML

Today, I found myself trying to explain to my puppy why I'm still single. I think I just found out why. FML

Today, I got into an argument with my girlfriend over how many sides a triangle has. I actually ended up drawing her a diagram. FML

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by picture, during a game of Draw Something. FML

Today, I have a cold, and was stuck sleeping in bed. My roommate decided to wake me up by sticking headphones in my ears and playing heavy metal on full volume. This is the third time this week. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by rapping in a voicemail. FML

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML