Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML
Today, my boyfriend preferred to delete his account than admit we are in a relationship on Facebook. FML
Today, after a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that I'm in an abusive relationship. Not with a person though. With my cat. FML
Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML
Today, my 11 year-old sister unfriended me on Facebook because I'm not "cool enough" to be seen on her profile. FML
Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML
Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML
Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML
Today, I went caroling with some family friends. We got pelted with oranges. FML
Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML
Today, it was our class field trip. I got five dollars from ten different people because they wanted me to sit away from them. FML
Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML
Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML
Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML
Today, I was so broke I went to Costco, not to buy anything, but to eat their free food samples. FML
Today, I almost got kidnapped. Again. FML
Today, my dad started his mid-life crisis. Instead of a Porsche or a Ferrari, he bought a tractor. Goodbye summer holiday. FML
Today, I couldn't find my hairbrush anywhere; I ended up having to brush my hair with a fork. FML
Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML
Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML
Today, my parents grounded me for finding their stash of weed. The irony is killing me right now. FML
Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML
Today, I had an unbearable itch on my foot that I could not make go away with my nails, so I grabbed the stapler in my drawer to scratch it with. Bad idea. FML
Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML
Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML
Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, and she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML
Today, I got a really bad sunburn. On my eyelids. Who knew blinking could be so painful? FML
Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML
Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML
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