Rainbowjumper0

Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML

Paul Fart Malt Clop

Today, a mall cop tore up my "Free hugs" sign. FML

Today, I realised that the most kisses I ever get are in text messages from my Dad. FML

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML

Today, I was dumped at the surprise party I threw for my boyfriend. FML

Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

Today, a picture fell off of the wall in the middle of the night. It hit me smack bang in the middle of face. FML

Today, I went bowling with my friends. As I was about to take my turn, my friend came up behind me and yelled in my ear, "Don't mess up!" Startled, I dropped the ball on my foot. FML

Insult to injury

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML

Wasps can **** right off

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

Today, I went on a first date wearing a new hair color. It was Interior Latex Slate Speckled Grey, from accidentally leaning my head against a wall while house painting earlier. FML

Wedding shaming

Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. FML

Sims

Today, a close friend pointed out to me how ironic it is that I make the Sim version of myself work out to lose weight, while I sit on my fat ass playing video games. FML

Today, a 75 year-old lady drove into me. Her excuse was, "I wasn't looking." Awesome. FML

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. When I got home to show my family, my little sister said, "That's so fake!" and tore it off my face. FML

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

Wouldn't hurt a…

Today, my boyfriend got scared of a fly, freaked out, and accidentally punched me in the face. FML

Son, we have something to tell you…

Today, my parents told me I was adopted. I can understand parents waiting for a child to be old enough to understand, but I'm 33 years old. FML

Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML

No thanks

Today, I caught my dad eating the dog treats I'd bought for my dog. The only thing he could say was, "These are really good, no wonder the dog is so obedient. Wanna try one?" FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

That helped

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

Today, I was forced to go to the mall with my dad. He wore a bear suit the entire time. FML

Weird parenting

Today, I learned that I'm not really allergic to chocolate. My parents made it up when I was a child because they didn't want me to get fat. FML

Today, a little girl pointed to the acne on my face and said to her dad, "Look at how many mosquito bites she has on her face!" FML