Rainbowjumper0

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

First and last

Today, I went on an excellent first date. After the 'end of the date kiss' came, "I suppose this is where I tell you that I'm married." FML

Old school prank

Today, my cousin told me that the stop signs outlined with a white line were optional. Later, a cop pulled me over, when I asked why he said, "You ran that stop sign back there." I explained what my cousin had told me and he looked at me funny and replied, "All stop signs have a white outline." FML

Sharing is caring

Today, my parents came to the restaurant I work at as a waiter. After, I picked up the check to realize they had left me a $500 tip! We split the tips among the employees so I only got $50 back but I was still psyched. When I got home they asked me if I had noticed that they used my credit card. FML

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML

Today, I played with a boomerang my first time. I didn't believe that when you threw it, it comes right back to you. It flew back all right. And broke my nose. FML

Unloveable

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them wants me. FML

Today, I texted my brother saying, "Always remember I love you! Never forget it!" to which he replied, "You better not be doing drugs." FML

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I said yes, and she said she wanted to try to catch her. Later, she pulled out a tooth and put it under her pillow. I came in to take out the tooth and replace it with money. There were mouse traps behind her pillow. FML

Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML

Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML

Mr Popular

Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML

Today, I woke up with a cordless drill on my bed. The one I lent my neighbour last week. FML

Today, my maid washed my PS3. Yes, with soap and water. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Three hours later, he called me to tell me he was kidding. FML

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML

Today, I bullied a kid at school, just so someone would talk to me. FML

Keeping it in the family

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair… with her cousin. FML

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year-old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

Today, my dad squirted water at me. Fortunately, I blocked it. Unfortunately, I blocked it with my new $200 camera. FML

HOW COULD YOU?

Today, I received a 7-page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML

Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML

Today, there was an animal rummaging around in my trashcan, so I kicked the trashcan to see what it was. The fox then chased me for three blocks to find out what I was. FML

Vamos arriba!

Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML

Today, I realized that the only boy who ever called me pretty was my 5-year-old brother. My sister then scolded him for lying. FML

Today, was my first day at school. I got kicked out of the class for imitating a monkey. I wasn't imitating a monkey... I was laughing. FML