Mademoiselle
Today, I said something in class and someone mimicked me. In a self-pitying mood, I exclaimed, "Everybody hates me!" The girl behind me then said, "Pretty much." FML
Today, I needed new business cards so I went to design and print some. After I designed, I was happy with them and printed off 100 copies. I live at a place called Canal Rocks. I forgot the 'C'. I now have 76 business cards which say 'anal rocks.' I already distributed 24. FML
Today, I was instructed to shave my back in preperation for my first tattoo. I'm a girl. FML
Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year-old daughter, and showed me a shirt she picked out herself. The shirt read "My mom's easy - I'm living proof." Apparently she just liked the colours and her father agreed. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. As I was leaving his house, I heard him shout, "Hey! Wait! Sweetie, get back here!" He was talking to his cat who'd run out the door behind me. FML
Today, I spilled my heart out to a guy by showing him one of my poetry journals. He read through it and said, "Wow, I feel sorry for the guy you wrote about." The poems were all about how I loved him. FML
Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML
Today, I was flirting with this guy that had been forced to be my lab partner for class. He was really funny and attractive, too. In the middle of our conversation he said "You're so cute! You remind me of my boyfriend!" FML
Today, as I got into an elevator, I spotted a little old lady hobbling desperately to get on. I frantically tapped on the 'door open' button but the doors closed. I got dirty looks from the people in the lift, only then did I realise I had frantically tapped the 'door close' button instead. FML
Today, I had my first real date with my first serious boyfriend. I was nervous because from past experience. I learned my lips were a bit ticklish and I usually giggled a bit during kissing. Well, we started making out and I thought was I doing pretty good hiding my laughs. Until I wet myself. FML
Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I was walking with my husband, holding hands, when a man with a rainbow shirt on came up to us. He said, "I'm so glad that gay men can go out in public without being embarassed nowdays!" He patted me on the back and walked away. I'm a woman. FML
Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML
Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML
Today, I found out why my 20 year-old girlfriend broke up with me. She was building everything she did to match her favorite TV show. The main character left her boyfriend in the exact way she left me. And the breakup email she sent me contained monologue from the TV show, word for word. FML
Today, I found out that the horrific smell coming from somewhere in my kitchen was a rotting dead mouse that somehow got stuck in my dishwasher. I have been eating off plates washed in dead mouse water for the past week. FML
Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML
Today, when I arrived at work, I was greeted by my gorgeous coworker telling me my red shirt looked awesome on me. Before I could compliment her, she added that the color was fitting perfectly with my acne. I heard a couple of giggles around me. FML
Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
Today, I was driving to work when a state trooper rammed into my car from behind, because he was on the cell phone and not paying attention. He gave me a ticket for "Failure to control speed to avoid a crash." FML
Today, my husband and I decided to take a romantic trip to the beach. We got pulled over, and shortly thereafter he was arrested. Just so happens you can't miss child support payments for your twelve year old daughter without getting a warrant. He has a daughter? We've been married for 14 years. FML
Today, I went to get food. I was late so my friend ordered for me. I took a few bites and all of a sudden it got hard to breathe. I realized it was a blueberry muffin, and I'm deathly allergic to blueberries. I looked at my friend, and she was laughing, saying she wanted to see if it was true. I just got out of the hospital. FML
Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML
Today, I found out why my parents have been trying to convince me not to go to college this year. I also found out where the $20,000 they just spent on landscaping came from. My college fund. Which is now $0. FML
Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML
Today, for my birthday, my mom presented me with a $4,000 check to pay for my braces. I've been very self-conscious about my teeth for years. Everyone applauded and told me how happy they were for me. Later, my mom asked me for the check back. Apparently it was just meant to make her look good. FML
Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML
Today, I wrote a note for my crush of two years, expressing all my feelings for him, signed it as "Forever your lover", then I slipped it into his locker. Later that day, he walked up to me, tossed the note at me, and said, "You know I recognize your handwriting, right?" FML
Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML
Today, I had to give a speech on the importance of dental hygiene. I got really nervous, so I did what I've heard in movies. I pictured everyone naked, began staring at a hot blonde in the front, and got hard. FML
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