damngotkik

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

Today, I got another email from Amazon asking me how I like my new Kindle. I don't have a Kindle. It's the one I bought my ex for Christmas, right before she left me while I was deployed overseas. FML

Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML

Today, I was in the check-out line when I noticed the guy behind me kept impatiently sighing. Thinking he was a jerk, I took as long as I could packaging my items. Turns out he left his oxygen tank in the car. FML

Today, I got into my boyfriend's car having to pee really badly. I accidentally peed everywhere. He kicked me out. I had to walk four miles home in 20 degree weather. In wet clothes. FML

Today, I bullied a kid at school, just so someone would talk to me. FML

Fight me, loser

Today, I learned two important facts: #1 - A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 - If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML

Today, while at my friend's house, I noticed her brother had a bit of an accent. I laughingly said "Is it me or does your little brother have an accent?" She stared and replied with "No, he has autism." FML

Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say "Let's just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume." She then winked. I am now scarred for life. FML

Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML

Today, the man who has been my stepfather for six years, has forgotten how old I am. However, he remembers exactly how much my real father owes him for child support. FML

Help! I need somebody! Anybody!

Today, I called up Verizon Wireless to "complain" about my phone service. I really had nothing to complain about, I was just that lonely that I wanted someone to talk to. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. He's been calling his penis "fun-sized" for a while now, but I didn't know he meant it really was the size of a fun-size candy bar. I'm pretty sure I'm still technically a virgin. FML

Many such cases

Today, I changed my Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship." The girl is made up and the picture is from Google. FML

Today, I was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine. The article told parents to monitor phone calls, make rumors about their children cheating on people, and not allow their children anywhere but home. FML

Today, I was woken up by my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and "Sweet 16" balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I'll be 17. FML

Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

Classic

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was, "Does she know?" FML

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

Public freakout time

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking around when she got lost in a crowd. And me, being a pig, playfully grabbed her butt. I realized it wasn't hers when the guy whose butt I'd grabbed by accident knocked me unconscious. FML

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

PR campaign ideas

Today, I was helping clean my grandpa's garage when I found some of his old election posters from the '50s. They included slogans such as, "Dick: you know it feels right" and "Want growth? Choose Dick." I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or impressed. FML

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

Today, my mum yelled at me for wanting to apply to university courses that she doesn't approve of. I'm applying for Biomedical Sciences and Microbiology, she's an unemployed Jehovah's Witness. FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to put a few extra spoonfuls of sugar in my co-worker's coffee. He thought it would be funny to throw the boiling hot coffee over my crotch. FML

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the, "I know I'm not your mother…" speech. FML

Dad jokes

Today, I wore my brand new Wonderbra to school. When I got home, my dad looked at me and started laughing hysterically. Between breaths, he asked if anyone actually thought my chest was that big and said, "You know why it's called a Wonderbra? Guys take it off and wonder where your tits went." FML