snowyamoeba

Today, my boyfriend and I had a threesome. He suggested we have another guy. It ended up devolving into a twosome, and I wasn't part of it. FML

Today, my husband decided he would rather rage-wank to my mum's Facebook profile picture than make love to me. FML

Nice try, Sharon

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML

Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML

Today, while walking around town, some guy grabbed me from behind, clutched at my nipples, and said, "That's where I always imagined they were." FML

Today, my cousin thought it would be cool to put a firecracker in an abandoned birdhouse. Before I could tell him not to, it exploded and about 30 wasps came after me like the wrath of God. FML

Today, my boyfriend drove 20 miles to come see me. The closest we got to intimacy was him showing me how he could unlock his iPhone 5s with his penis. FML

First Dates

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML

Seeing the sights

Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML

Today, I sent my girlfriend a request to confirm our relationship on Facebook. She accepted, then changed her screen name into "His Hand". FML

Today, I got hit by a car while walking into the hospital to visit my wife, who had also gotten hit by a car. FML

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

You little knob

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year-old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year-old woman, to tears. FML

Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML

Today, as I was picking up my 5-year-old brother from school, he hugged a girl from his class to say goodbye. His classmate's mom and I looked at each other, thinking it was adorable, until my brother decided to dry hump the side of his classmate's thigh. FML

Bedlam

Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat, and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML

Today, I tried to impress my boyfriend by slowly backing up and biting my lip to get him to come closer and kiss me. I ended up smacking the back of my head against a brick wall. FML

Today, my boyfriend reckoned that he has a better sleep when he falls asleep with his hand on either my boobs or my ass. I kind of just laughed it off. I later discovered he's 100% correct when he put his hand on my butt, and not five minutes later was snoring. FML

Today, I walked in on my 15-year-old daughter stripping on Skype for strangers. FML

Today, I had to take a splinter out of my eight year old son's penis. FML

Free Britney!

Today, I had to give a video presentation. My video was on animal abuse, but I somehow played a video of myself singing Britney Spears in my room. FML

Today, I found out that if you wake your 7-year old sister up by plugging her nose, you'll wake up the next morning, taped down and unable to move as she pours ice water on you. FML

Today, to spice things up, my boyfriend suggested we wear disguises. Amused by the idea, I accepted. That's how I ended up having sex with Gandalf. FML

Today, I walked in on my dad giving my mom a striptease. FML

Mood ruiner

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said, "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded, "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML

Power in Christ

Today, I was having sex with this amazingly hot guy. Things got pretty intense, and right as I was about to orgasm, the gold crucifix came flying off his necklace and sliced my eyelid open. Message received. Well played, God. FML

Today, a nurse asked my relationship status. I answered, "Married". She then asked if there was any possibility of me being pregnant. I hardly contained my snort, before responding, "No, you have to have sex for that." I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that it's true or her laughter. FML