Monsieur sydney, australia
Today, I was carrying a stack of paperwork at work, when my pen rolled off and onto the floor. As soon as I bent down to pick it up, a nearby co-worker, who's always hated me, accused me of putting on a show and sexually harassing him. He actually followed up by reporting me to HR. FML
Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML
Today, after swimming in the pool, I went into the shower. Little did I know that my niece was hiding in there. She excitedly yelled "I saw your boobs!" Now my nephew won't stop crying because he didn't get to see them as well. FML
Today, I found my elderly neighbour on all fours in my garden eating my flowers. FML
Today, my 17-year-old son came home with a black eye saying he ran into a pole at school. I asked the principal if we could see the tapes. He actually did run straight into a pole. And not just once, twice. FML
Today, I went downstairs a little after midnight to grab a snack, and in the dark hallway, I clearly saw a small child walk into the kitchen. I was freaked out, but I followed him in. There was nobody in the room. I'm now too scared to sleep, and am seriously considering moving house. FML
Today, I found out someone has a crush on me. Normally I'd be fine with this, if it weren't for that fact that this guy informed me that he has collected pictures of me since the third grade. I'm turning 23 in two weeks. FML
Today, during one of my first days as a teacher, a student stole my phone. FML
Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML
Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML
Today, my barber repeatedly threatened to stab me with scissors while I was getting my hair cut. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack while in bed with my boyfriend. He interrupted my desperate coughing only to tell me to shut up. He then rolled over to go back to sleep. FML
Today, my daughter and I were driving home when our truck broke down. A police officer stopped and offered to let me and my two year old sit in his car for the A/C. When we got in, I sat her on my lap, and she pulled down my tank top and screamed "Boobies!" right in front of the officer. FML
Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML
Today, I asked a friend to hang out. I'm so used to people saying no, that when she said yes I burst into tears and had a panic attack. FML
Today, I was talking to my husband about our favorite TV show, when he took my face in his hands and sweetly whispered, "You're so pretty. Why must you ruin it with words?" FML
Today, I got really excited when I got an email from a guy I've been flirting with in my math class. Turns out he thinks I stole his calculator and wants it back immediately. There goes my chance. FML
Today, my psycho girlfriend tried to blackmail me into giving her money, threatening to show everyone the nude pictures I'd recently sent her. Except the pictures on her phone that she threatened me with weren't even of me. Nice to know I'm also being cheated on. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment for the first time, only to see another girl walking out. I accused her of cheating with him and we got into a fight. Turns out I was at the wrong apartment. He lives next door. FML
Today, my teenage son tried to huff a can of spray paint. FML
Today, I was at Walmart with my stepmom. We were about to check out when a little sweet-looking old woman came up and asked if she could get in front of us. Seeing as she only had two items in her hands we said yes. Her husband then came up with two carts full of stuff, condoms on top. FML
Today, the guy on the floor above me decided it was time for a tuba jam session. Apparently optimal tuba time is 2am. FML
Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended like it never happened. FML
Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML
Today, my doctor asked me to undo my bra so he could check my breathing without the straps restricting my lungs, I got home and told my friends how awkward it was. Not one of them has had this happen to them before. We all go to the same doctor. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML
Today, my son asked me if slavery was ever abolished. He's 19. FML
Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML
Today, I caught my roommate trying to use my flashlight as a dildo. FML
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