TheGamingGamer

Today, my parents held an intervention for me. Apparently they think I'm turning into a goth. All because they saw me re-lacing my shoes with black shoelaces instead of white ones. FML

Collector's items

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled, "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

Today, I was told that I will never be able to have children. Thankfully for my husband, his girlfriend sure can. FML

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

Not the sharpest tool

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said, "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

Today, I got a text message from a number I don't know saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm cheating on you, I couldn't do this in person because you're ugly when you cry." I haven't had a relationship in 6 years and I still manage to get dumped. FML

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

There's no justice

Today, my car got keyed because I was parked in a handicapped parking spot. I'm handicapped. FML

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. The only way I could have gotten pregnant is from having gotten drunk and sleeping with my ex. We broke up because I didn't want children. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, I was in an elevator with my girlfriend when it suddenly stopped. Thinking of being spontaneous like in all the movies, I propped her up on the railings and started getting passionate. That's when the emergency phone rang. And I discovered there was a security camera. FML

Today, I bought weed for the first time. The dealer was an undercover cop. FML

Heckler hell

Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

Classic blunder

Today, I found out my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited, so I asked her why. She replied, "What birthday party?" It was a surprise birthday party. FML

Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML

First step

Today, I went out with a friend to grab some food and we were served by this really cute and fun waiter. Stepping out of my comfort zone and deciding to do something crazy, I left my phone number on the bill. I got home only to realize that I forgot to pay the bill. FML

Today, I was having a race with a little kid. I let him win to make him feel like a champion. After the race, he turned to me and said, "Maybe if you weren't so fat you would have won." FML

Today, I took a pregnancy test. I was disappointed it was negative, as my fiancé and I have been together for four years and have a strong relationship. He danced with happiness when he discovered the test was negative and tried to high-five me. FML

Air filters

Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML

Today, I had to show my husband a video on how to brush your teeth. FML

Thanks

Today, I was feeling down following a recent breakup. My dad tried to comfort me by patting me on the back and saying everyone goes through ups and downs, "Like when I found out your mum and I were having a boy." I'm their only son. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML

Today, I lost my car keys, so I asked my ex-husband if he still had his spare to my car. He said he'd send it. I got an empty envelope with a troll face on it. There's a reason I left him. FML

Today, my grandmother, who has Alzheimer's, cornered me in the kitchen and called the cops. My crime? Robbery, of my own house. FML

Today, while taking a walk in the forest, someone approached me and asked to borrow the knife I had clipped to my pocket. I happily obliged, assuming he just needed it as a tool. Instead, he used the knife to mug me, taking my cellphone and my wallet. I was robbed with my own knife. FML

Get the hint

Today, I suggestively asked my boyfriend to take a shower with me. He got in, washed himself, and got out, ignoring me the whole time. FML

It's not what you think

Today, I took my 4 year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed, "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex." FML

Today, I found out I do not have a fast metabolism, I've actually had a tape worm living inside me for 3 years. FML

Today, my sister found out that Justin Bieber got arrested and now she won't stop crying. 5ML

Tactical

Today, wanting to break up with my boyfriend, I invited him to dinner with my parents. I was sure they'd hate him, which would give me the excuse I needed. They ended up loving him, and now they won't stop mentioning marriage. FML