TheGamingGamer

Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML

Today, I accidentally broke an expensive glass display shelf at work. My coworker joked, "Ooh, that's gonna come out of your paycheck!" My boss thought that was a great idea. FML

Today, I got jumpscared, by my freshly-bathed grandma coming out of the bathroom without a towel on. FML

Today, my dad walked into my school and joked around saying that he's going to shoot my boyfriend. We all laughed. Except my boyfriend. He was sobbing in a corner. FML

Today, I walked to an interview on my college campus. I got there early. The place was empty. I assumed I wrote the date wrong. Several hours later, a friend who also was interviewed asked me how my interview went. The date, time and location were all right. I don't know how I got lost. FML

Today, my friend said that his dad told him we couldn't hang out anymore, he thinks I'm a bad influence because I don't have all 90's in my classes. The only reason he knows I have below a 90 is because he's my geography teacher. I have an 87. FML

Today, after years of torment by my anxiety disorders and therapy and medication not helping, I've made the decision to try hypnosis. After doing a Google search and finding out my therapist is a man, my overly jealous fiancé insisted on joining, "because he might hypnotise you into cheating." FML

Today, my mom parked in a handicapped space because, "the Spanish people are taking over everything." FML

Today, someone accused me of stuffing my bra when some tissue fell out. I was too embarrassed to tell them I wasn't stuffing, the tissue was used to sop up my boob sweat. FML

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, I was backing out of his driveway when he came running out yelling "STOP!" I thought he wanted to make up so I kept going, until I'd run over his dog. FML

The nickname that sticks

Today, I went to visit my best friend at her house. I saw her five year-old brother playing in the front yard, and as I walked up to the door he shouted, "Boobs are here! Boobs are here!" FML

Today, my sister pointed out a weird black mass underneath the lace of my dress. Perplexed, I looked down to inspect further and discover a wasp, under my boobs, attempting to build a nest. FML

Today, my brother called me up. He said he needed to talk to me. Whenever someone says that, I naturally I get nervous. He said, "I gave one of my friends your number." I was shocked and asked why. "Your life makes me sad." FML

Today, the person I was seeing asked to be just friends. A few hours later, they tried to talk me into having sex. FML

One day, maybe…

Today, one of my friends bought a wedding dress for her upcoming wedding. My other friend intends to propose to her boyfriend, and ordered rings. I too made a purchase: a pair of socks for myself. FML

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for refusing to give a found credit card to a woman it didn't belong to. FML

Today, the store I work at got shut down and I got let go. Three days ago I got a promotion and a raise. FML

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML

Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML

Wars of the Stars

Today, I found out that my uncle does not like my step-daughter because she likes Star Wars. He stated that Star Trek was better, and went on to verbally attack a 6-year-old. FML

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

Today, my wife and I were born on the same day, married on our birthday date. Today is our birthday and anniversary, and today we are getting divorced. FML

Today, I got out of my bed and immediately stepped into a half-eaten bowl of cereal. FML

Asshat

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML

Today, I adopted my second dog. When I called to tell my mom about it, she sternly told me that I was not allowed to get any more dogs. I'm 28 and own my own house. FML

Today, I kept my cats indoors to be safe on Halloween, making sure to keep the food full and litter boxes clean. After dinner, I got dressed up and spent two hours at a party. When I got home, there was a large, rancid butt-loaf waiting on my bed. Unappreciative little fuckers. FML

Back to square one

Today, my mother finally finalized her divorce! Unfortunately, she'll have to sell the house, and when she does, she'll move in with me. I only moved out a month ago. FML

Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died. FML

Today, my mom had my girlfriend and me over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmother's wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML