znorbnix

Today, I texted my girlfriend that I'm going to 'lick my professor's ass' instead of 'kick' due to auto-correction on my phone. FML

Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and fell down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML

Today, I was using my fiancé's phone to look up movie times for us. In the internet browser, I found history of him looking on Craigslist for "discreet intimate relationships with women" in our city. We are expecting our little boy in two months. FML

Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML

Today, my entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm straight. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to tell them that I've been single for so long because I can't get a guy. FML

Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

Today, my new $100 electronic cigarette came in the mail. I was so excited to try it out, I used it on the drive to work. The people who sold it to me weren't kidding when they said it looked and felt real. I threw it out the window when I was done. FML

Today, I had to sneeze really bad in a restaurant. To avoid sneezing on everybody's food, I turned my head to the side and sneezed, it just so happens a waitress was there serving a table. My nose went straight into her ass. FML

Booksmart

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

Today, my sixteen year old son told me that he's following his guidance counselor's advice: to do what his hero does for a living. The problem? His hero is SpongeBob Squarepants. His ambition in life is to become a fry cook. FML

Today, my best friend was fired from the place we both work at because she's a bad employee. After they fired her she said, "If I go, I'm taking my best friend with me." So they fired me too. I actually liked that job. FML

Unfair

Today, my boss fired me for being on Facebook at work. He did it via a wall post on Facebook saying, "ur fired." Six of my friends liked this. FML

Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: "Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home." FML

Today, it was opening night for the play where I was, for the first time ever, one of the leads. I went on stage with a loud and energetic entrance. I came in two scenes early. FML

Today, I broke my arm. When I got home from the doctors with my cast, I fell asleep on the couch from the medicine. When I woke up, there were swastikas, "I love the KKK", and multiple penises written all over my cast. My dad thought it would be funny. FML

Today, I fell over a wet floor sign warning you not to fall over. The irony hurt more than the fall. FML

Clout chasing

Today, to give the illusion that I have friends, I wrote an outrageous status on Facebook, and then pretended it was the result of a friend hacking my page, all in the hope that it would get comments, likes, or at least some attention. Nothing happened. FML

Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML

High hopes

Today, I ran into one of my teachers from high school. When I told her I'd just recently graduated college and was starting graduate school in the fall, she said, "You don't have to lie, some people just aren't cut out for college. There's no shame." I wasn't lying, I graduated with honors too. FML

Today, my boyfriend called me and dumped me. Thirty minutes later he called asking for me back. When I asked why, he said "The other girl dumped me." FML

Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML

Today, while attempting to sneak out of my boyfriend's parents' house during my walk of shame, I fell down the stairs, spilling cherry coke all over myself, their walls, and the carpet. FML

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend, "Actually, it's a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML

Good one, dad

Today, I was almost done getting ready for a really big date, when I heard my dad call for help from outside. I rushed downstairs and out the door, only to be ambushed and showered by my father with the garden hose. FML