Today, I was racing some mates to the beach and I decided to take a short-cut by jumping over a low wall. I didn't realise the wall was to stop people falling into the stormwater drain. Which is 3 metres deep. And has razor-sharp oysters growing at the bottom. FML
Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML
Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML
Today, my car was stolen. From my driveway. By the guy who sold it to me. FML
Today, it was really hot in my house so I pulled my shorts down so I was just in my boxers. My family and I were watching TV and I got a spontaneous erection. When I discreetly tried to pull my shorts back up, my penis flipped out of my boxers. FML
Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML
Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML
Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML
Today, my husband was looking at a bariatric surgery website and asked him what he was reading. He said, "Oh, your anniversary gift. Surprise!" He wasn't kidding. He got mad when I politely declined his gift, then angrily said "You know, it really hurts when you don't like the things I get you." FML
Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML
Today, I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits." FML
Today, a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school so I could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam. I obliged and sat for the pose. When the art teacher walked by, she looked at me, then at the sketch, pointed to the legs, and said, "Make them fatter". FML
Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML
Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML
Today, a guy who I have known for a long time confessed his love to me. It would have been sweet except that he will become my stepbrother in 3 days. FML
Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my phone there and had got a text from a guy saying, "Hi, how have you been?" FML
Today, I woke up to a beautiful sunrise, the smell of bacon in a frying pan, and some dickhead trying to pick the lock on my front door. FML
Today, I found out that my dog is so lazy, she doesn't even get out of my bed in the morning to poop. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML
Today, I actually heard my 14 year-old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML
Today, I contacted my biological father, after not speaking to him for some years, as we had a very strained relationship. I received an automated response. It's probably the best conversation we have ever had. FML
Today, I found cigarette butts at the bottom of the toaster. My mother has been dropping them in there for I don't know how long. FML
Today, I was passed over for the job of my dreams. I now have to watch as a girl I have on Facebook - a total moron - boasts daily about scoring the position instead. Turns out the interviewer was her uncle. FML
Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML
Today, my boyfriend leaned over and sniffed me like a dog. He does this almost every day, even in front of people sometimes. FML
Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML
Today, while waiting in line at Gamestop, another customer and the cashier started chatting about how Pokémon is for kids, and anyone over 10 who's into it is weird. Embarrassed, I put the new Pokémon game back on the shelf and snuck out of the store. FML
Today, I went to Walmart to pick up some groceries. When I came out, the front end of my car was crushed in. On the window was a note only saying "Sorry I bumped into your car." FML
Today, I got a speeding ticket while taking my drivers license test. FML
Today, I was sitting in my room while my mom was talking to my uncle. I had my door open. She said, "Yeah my son doesn't know I have his phone password. Girls nowadays are real sluts." FML
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