RachelF4646

Today, while taking my toddler for a walk with the dog, he threw a tantrum and rammed one well-aimed finger directly up the poor dog's pooper. FML

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

Today, for the sixteenth consecutive time, I'm definitely not pregnant. Nope, I'm just super bitchy, and I like really weird food. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, I skipped class and went to back my apartment early. I found out that my roommate had broken into my room and was laying in my bed wearing my underwear, taking pictures of herself. Apparently, she's been doing it all semester. FML

Today, I was babysitting, and the family dog was unable to move, so I had texted the mother about it. We put the small dog on the couch to make it comfortable while the mother was on her way to get the dog and take it to the vet. Turns out, we sat with a dead dog for about ten minutes. FML

Today, I just received the king-sized bed I'd ordered. My boyfriend moved out two days ago when we broke up. FML

The "No phones" rule

Today, I found out how my salesmen are "entertaining" themselves since they were told they can't have their phones on them. They're pulling straws to see who will pretend to trip and fall face-first onto the floor in front of customers. FML

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML

Knackered

Today, my boyfriend and I fell asleep twice during sex. FML

Sexy talk

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

Today, I was sitting in my old rusty truck in an empty parking lot, when some old lady parks beside me and opens her door, hitting my truck. Having a used up truck, I didn't mind. But you could tell that it made her mad, when she came back with the manager demanding that I pay for her paint job. FML

Today, I kept my cats indoors to be safe on Halloween, making sure to keep the food full and litter boxes clean. After dinner, I got dressed up and spent two hours at a party. When I got home, there was a large, rancid butt-loaf waiting on my bed. Unappreciative little fuckers. FML

Today, I was feeling stressed about some upcoming exams, so I went on a nice relaxing nature walk through the nearby bushland. I slipped off a rock and landed in knee-deep mud that claimed my shoe when I pulled my leg free. I'm even more stressed now. FML

Today, I was the only girl in gym class who couldn't lift the weight, and the only one to fart multiple times during the attempt. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

Today, I was hanging out with this really cute boy that I liked. We were starting to get personal, intimate, and really connecting. That is, until my roommate shouted that his girlfriend had just, "clogged our toilet and shit was overflowing onto the floor." FML

Today, I was diagnosed with chronic vomiting. I've gone to 7 doctors and tried 13 different medicines, with none of them working. I've gone to therapy and taken up yoga with no change. So apparently, throwing up daily at random times is the new normal for me. Yay. FML

Today, I complimented a guy on his Van Gogh costume. As it turns out, he had an infection in his ear. FML

Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

Today, my boyfriend sent me an article about how smelling farts can reduce dementia then added, "You're welcome." FML

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

Just stop

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

PTSD

Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

Petty

Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to add my crush on Snapchat. He thought it would be a good idea to block me. FML

Self-sabotage

Today, I was hanging out with a guy friend I hadn't seen for ages. The sexual tension was off the charts. We were making out and think were progressing, hands were roaming to both nether regions when I freaked out and blurted out, "But aren't we just friends?" We then sat and watched TV. FML

Shy

Today, I was walking to a bathroom on campus before class when my professor walked in behind me. There were two urinals in the bathroom, we walked right up next to each other and unzipped our pants in unison. It became so awkward for me, I actually said out loud, "Nope, too awkward" and left. FML

Today, an older lady loudly accused me of masturbating on the public bus. I simply had my eyes closed and was twirling my hair. FML