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Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML

Nice day for it

Today, my 5 year old-son and I went out for a walk. As I was looking in a shop's window display, I turned around to see my son pooping into an open manhole on the street. FML

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time." He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

Seriously?

Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML

What what?

Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML