Mademoiselle
Today, I bought a new computer. I gave my old one to my mother. After handing it over and going home, I realised I forgot to change the background picture, a naked photo of my girlfriend. FML
Today, I hit a parked car and fled because I was so scared. Four hours later, the cops showed up at my house so I broke down crying confessing everything. Turns out, they weren't there about the car I hit. They were alerting me about the string of burglaries in my neighborhood recently. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get hot and heavy in my truck at our favorite park. We started going at it and we were both butt naked when I saw a car pull into the lot. Not only was it a cop car, but the first thing the cop asked my girlfriend was, "Are you being held against your will?" FML
Today, a patient was late for a psychiatry appointment, after having missed his previous two. I am the medical student on the team that was supposed to do his assessment. I said, "You snooze, you lose." Everyone stopped and looked at me. Apparently, he missed them because he has narcolepsy. FML
Today, I had a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of two years. Depressed, I changed my Facebook status to, "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you." My ex commented, "Give me an orgasm?" Five of my friends, including my mom, liked this. FML
Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML
Today, at work, a man bought a lot of really expensive stuff. He paid the large bill with cash, and the manager helped me count the money. When we were done, he handed me a $100 bill to thank me for all the help. We can't accept tips. The manager was next to me. I had to say no. FML
Today, I was supposed to finally go out with my guy friend that I have liked for a long time. He told me he would text me, and after waiting for hours for the text, I finally got it. It said, "Guess what!? I just got laid!" He forgot our date, had it off, and I congratulated him. FML
Today, I was sneaking over to my girlfriend's house. I sent her mother a text message thinking it was my girlfriend saying "There's a stalker coming in to make you his play mate ;]" Unfortunately when I got to her window I was greeted by her dad with a bat. FML
Today, my ex got dumped by his girlfriend. Seeing my opportunity, I sent him a song I'd written for him, about how much I still love him. He sent it on to the girl who had just dumped him, claiming he had written it. They're now back together. FML
Today, I heard a girl telling her friend all about her boyfriend, John. They talked about the grocery store that he works at, and that he drives a nice yellow mustang. My boyfriend's name is John, works at that same grocery store, and drives a nice yellow mustang. FML
Today, I got stung by a bee. On my eyelid. I'm allergic so it's swollen up so much, I can't even open my eye. Tomorrow is the first day of a new prestigious school. I either have to go to school wearing an eye-patch or walk around looking like a monster. FML
Today, I got my first Facebook friend request in 4 months. I also got a message in my inbox. The message said: "Sorry, I thought you were someone else. Just ignore my friend request." FML
Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML
Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML
Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year-old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML
Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to approach a girl. I've never done anything like this before. She stared me down, not saying a word, until I felt so little that I just walked away. FML
Today, I went to the eye doctor. He tells me that I've developed a severe allergy to contact lenses and must stop wearing them immediately. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't just visited him a week earlier, paid for a new prescription and ordered a year's worth of brand new lenses. FML
Today, my wife thought it would be fun to bring in one of her girlfriends for a threesome. Because of the friend, I now know what my wife sounds like when she's having a REAL orgasm. Five years and two kids into our marriage. FML
Today, while I was working at Starbucks, a customer spilled her drink all over the counter. After I cleaned up her spill and remade the drink (for free), she exclaimed, "Thanks! I should really tip you!" Then she turned around, walked directly past the tip jar, and left the store. FML
Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend of 4 years because I didn't know the exact amount of days that we'd been together. FML
Today, after having a few beers at a bar, I gave my ticket to the valet to get my car. I tipped the man $2 and he gave me a huge smile and thanked me a lot as I left. I thought the guy was just really appreciative for those $2 until I got home and saw one of the $100 bills in my wallet was gone. FML
Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML
Today, being a big believer in karma, I found it fitting that a girl that was always a bitch to me in high school is now fat and ugly. After sending one of her recent pictures with a mean caption to a few of my friends, I tripped and sprained my wrist falling up the stairs. Karma. FML
Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML
Today, I got my hair done, eyebrows waxed, and a new expensive dress to impress my boyfriend. When I got home I asked him if he noticed anything different about me. He looked at me for one minute before asking, "Did you finally start using Proactive?" FML
Today, I was sitting in a park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as I moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I'd like to play as the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said, "No thanks!" to which the kid responded, "But there's nobody else ugly enough." FML
Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML
Today, I left my brand new iPod Touch outside. There had been a drought for the past 3 weeks. Not anymore. FML
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