lemongrab

Today, one of my cats gave birth. My other cat responded by eating the new litter in a jealous rage, then got indigestion and vomited. I had to clean up regurgitated kittens. FML

Today, after being unemployed for almost two years, I was turned down for yet another job. The reason this time? I live too far from the job. I can see the building from my bedroom window. FML

Today, I was working the drive-through at McDonald's. I greeted a customer with a, "Hi, how are you doing today?" His response: "Better than you." FML

Today, my boyfriend suggested that we become "drug dealers" because I'm a chemistry student and he's seen a few episodes of Breaking Bad. FML

Today, my mom was sharing the story of how I was born with the umbilical cord around my neck. My sister added that it was God's first attempt to kill me off. FML

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

Today, I asked my students to buy a copy of Anne Frank's diary for an assignment. One of them asked me in all seriousness who wrote it. FML

Just a prank, again

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML

Today, the man who hit on me in a store and asked for my number showed up on my doorstep to inquire about my couch for sale. With his wife. FML

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML