hamstealy

Fundies everywhere

Today, my religious mother found out I work at Planned Parenthood. Now everytime she sees me, she prays until I leave the room. FML

Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML

Shady stuff

Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doctor. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML

Today, my first day on the job, I locked up the office after everyone left and set the alarm. An hour later, my new boss angrily emailed me that I locked him inside the building, setting off the alarm and prompting the entire police department to show up. FML

Today, my boyfriend of three years asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I said yes. He said, 'But what happens if you never find a guy who likes you that much?' FML

News to me

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later, he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML

Today, I pronounced FAQ as 'fuck' to my boss. I'm not a native speaker. FML

Today, a customer made a huge scene at work because all of our reading glasses are made in China, and apparently any "moral" person should be repulsed by that. FML

Today, my mom got so desperate to find me a woman, she went to see a medium. I don't have the guts to tell her I'm gay. FML

Glade

Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid of the foul smell. Later, my roommate revealed his new place to "stash and dry" his socks: The ventilation ducts. FML

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

Wankers

Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off, so he decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying, "If God doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML

Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML

Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML

Stay safe in there

Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

Today, I accidentally sent my boss an explicit text message. She replied saying, "Very detailed, if only you put that much effort into your work". FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML

Denial

Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML

Catching up

Today, I met a friend I hadn't seen in forever. After talking for a while, he says, "I knew there was a reason I stopped talking to you." FML

Today, my husband picked a fight with me because I have more pictures of our child on my desk at work than I do of him. FML

Today, I thought it would be a nice idea to take some flowers and candy to a friend whose cat had just passed away. As I was leaving, I ran over her other cat. FML

Today, after being trapped in an elevator for 4 hours, I really had to pee. Just when I decided to pee in the elevator shaft, the lift doors opened. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I thought she wasn't being serious when she said her mum wanted me to pay to stay the night at her house for the first time. FML