Paris, France 37 ans
Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML
Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral, I was told to "man up". FML
Today, a car backfired as I waited for my bus and I screamed, thinking I'd been shot. The only thing more humiliating than that was the pissy underwear I had to go back home to change out of. FML
Today, when I went to see my therapist, she handed me a tube of tooth paste and said, "Please use it". FML
Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML
Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML
Today, I've been calling my pet snake "Mr. Snake" for two years now. I decided to look up the name, and boy do I regret it. It turns out Mr. Snake is a porn site. I've named my snake after porn and have been introducing him to family with that name for two years. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Today, after finding out that my professor likes to talk trash about, and constantly belittle, Muslims in every American History class he teaches, I submitted an essay about Muslim contributions to humanity. He held me back after class and asked why I gave him such filth. I'm a Muslim. FML
Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML
Today, while I was taking a shit, a guy went into the next stall and narrated what he was doing in song. I'm still traumatized by his lyrics. FML
Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML
Today, I agreed to anal with my boyfriend, which he was happy about, until I told him in the interest of fair play he also had to let me fuck him with a strap on. It didn't take him very long to suddenly decide anal is disgusting, with all kinds of health risks. And he thinks he's the smart one. FML
Today, we had my grandmother with dementia round for tea. She looked me up and down and said, very matter-of-factly, "Well, with a figure like that, no one will rape you." FML
Today, as my brother parked in our hotel's parking lot, I told him to be careful because the car wasn't straight. He retorted, "Yeah, just like you". My mother was in the back seat and heard everything. I hadn't come out yet. FML
Today, my dogs somehow pulled the water spigot off the wall in my backyard. I now have my own private lake. FML
Today, I worked up the confidence to go to the mall alone for the first time since being confined to a wheelchair. It didn't even take 20 minutes before some teenager grabbed my wheelchair and tried to race me around, all while his friends watched and laughed. FML
Today, I watched in horror from the other room as my boyfriend picked the biggest, slimiest booger I've ever seen, then lowered it into his mouth, and licked his finger clean. I very nearly threw up. FML
Today, I was forced to get up in front of ten swim teams, including my own, and a hundred spectators to swim 100 yards with an obvious boner sticking out of my suit. FML
Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML
Today, my English professor bragged to my entire class about how good my essay was. He kept on saying great things about it for the duration of class. To my surprise, he'd given me a C-. When I asked why, his only response was: "I'm a hard grader." FML
Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML
Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML
Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML
Today, I walked into the bathroom at work, only to witness a woman with her shirt pulled up giving herself a sink bath. FML
Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML
Today, my dad had fun embarrassing me as much as possible in my parent-teacher conference by moaning whenever the teacher talked. FML
Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML
Today, my acne reached a new low. Literally. I'm now getting bright red pimples on my penis. FML
Today, I went to Costco and the cashier asked me how I was doing so, to be nice, I asked her back. She said, "I'm fucking horrible, I'm working at Costco," nearly making me spit my drink out. FML
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