Paris, France 37 ans
Today, while in the airport waiting to board, I got the sudden urge to pee, so I ran to the bathroom feeling like my bladder was about to burst. I was so focused on relieving my bladder that I failed to notice the diarrhea covering the toilet seat and the wall behind it until I was sitting in it. FML
Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML
Today, while I was working at a gas station, a man came up to the register with his zipper undone and his penis hanging out in full view. I had to awkwardly hand him his change while trying not to look or make eye contact. FML
Today, my brother "pranked" me by dropping my new laptop out my bedroom window. He'd set up a saran wrap safety net below to catch my laptop safely, but he didn't secure it well enough. My laptop is completely fucked and he won't accept responsibility because he didn't mean to break it. FML
Today, at work, a woman decided to use the changing room as a public toilet, to wipe the urine with the clothes she tried on, then leave the mess along with her soiled underwear and a used maxi pad for me to clean up. FML
Today, after dating this girl for 3 months, I finally introduced her to my friends. She looked panicked during the date, and after it she broke up with me. When I asked why, she told me she could try to deal with a black friend, but not with a gay one. I've been dating a moron all this time. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her that I'd never watched The Lion King. FML
Today, after much reflection, I realized my "happy childhood" was more like "the years I was oblivious to how much people despised me." FML
Today, I got a call from my dad asking if I was a porno actress. I am. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML
Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML
Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML
Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in the country I just moved to. Guess I don't speak the language as well as I thought. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend he's the only good thing left in my life. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic, he said, and ended up breaking up with me. FML
Today, a girl in my class introduced herself to me for the fourth time this semester. Am I really that invisible? FML
Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML
Today, I confided in my best friend about my recent weight loss, and how it was due to lack of appetite because of my horrible depression and anxiety. She congratulated me. FML
Today, nine years on, my dad still hates my husband for "ruining" my life by getting me pregnant in my late twenties. FML
Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML
Today, my husband took a pill to make him last longer in bed. He did last longer. He went from 5 minutes to 7. FML
Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang. I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML
Today, my new girlfriend's father made good on his "What you do to her I do to you" threat when he took me out for drinks and then drunkenly hit on me. FML
Today, my girlfriend read an FML by some guy about fight he had with his nutjob of a girlfriend. It was so bizarrely similar to a fight we had recently that she accused me of not having any balls and bitching about her to strangers. It wasn't even my story. FML
Today, my boyfriend picked his nose and tried to stick his booger up my nose, claiming that it was time to plant his "seed." FML
Today, my dog once again desperately tried to yank me straight into the path of a bus. FML
Today, a woman yelled at me for hurting her. I'm a tattoo artist. FML
Today, I had to convince my parents to shut the door when they have sex. They have done this on multiple occasions. FML
Today, I was leaving the house to go on a date. My dad stopped me at the door and said confidently, "Tear that pussy up, son." I'm gay and my dad knows that. FML
Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML
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