Today, after getting my car completely fixed after it being damaged for a year, I was driving and the entire side panel on the car fell off. The repair man forgot to put the screws back in. FML
Today, I sent a get well card to my friend. it wasn't until after I got home from posting it did I realise that the stamps I put on the envelope had the phrase "Let's Get Active" on them with drawings of people playing sports. My friend is in a wheelchair. FML
Today, I got the flu. Feeling really sick and depressed, I called my boyfriend to get some comfort. When he didn't answer his phone, I called his house, only to hear his mother telling me, "He was so sad that you guys broke up." I didn't know. FML
Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML
Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML
Today, my 4 year old daughter was ripping out photos of the family photo book, I asked her why she was doing it she answered, "I saw mummy doing it to another book." The only other family photo book was the day we got married. FML
Today, I shaved my legs and armpits for the first time in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, I didn't have a hot date, I just had my yearly gyno exam. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say "lol." FML
Today, I walked over to my grandmother's house to pay her a visit. I politely knocked on the door, and there was no answer. Fearing that something had happened, I violently broke down the door to find my grandma and her new 80 year-old boyfriend having sex. FML
Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, when I needed the loo. The door was ajar, so I walked into his bathroom, sat down, and started to pee. I then looked up to see the shocked face of his dad sitting naked in the bath. FML
Today, I got dumped because I was on my period. Apparently he was pissed because I have one "like, every single month." FML
Today, my boss fired me because he said I was spending too much time surfing the internet. When I reminded him that my work computer isn't even networked, he said, "Oh, sorry, you're the one who takes too many smoke breaks." When I told him that I don't even smoke, he said, "Just go..." FML
Today, I lost my job because I was late. I was late because I had no alarm. I had no alarm because my roommate got mad and broke my phone when I beat her at scrabble. FML
Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML
Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML
Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to "Listen to this voicemail." I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty, followed by the bed springs bouncing for three minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML
Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML
Today, after I got off work, as I walked into the house, I noticed something running across the floor towards me and out of complete terror I kicked it halfway across my living room, not knowing what it was. Turns out it was my roommate's new puppy. FML
Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the second floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the fifth press that I realized we were already on the second floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML
Today, I woke up from sleeping at my friend's house with a bunch of other people, with my waist long hair cut into chunks on my pillow. FML
Today, I was cashier at work. The line came to a stop, but there was still people there. I kept saying next, but no one moved. I finally looked over the counter where there was a lady who had been standing there the whole time. She was a midget. FML
Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML
Today, my dad was completely engrossed in a football game on TV, so, trying to be cute and funny, my mom flashed him. He didn't notice, but I did. FML
Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me via text message. The sad thing is that I left my fiancée of 5 years to be with a girl I worked with at Walmart. My ex-fiancée is now a doctor. I still work at Walmart. FML
Today, while on a six hour flight, someone offered to pay me $20 to swap seats with them. It seemed like a great deal, so I immediately accepted and moved to my new seat. I didn't realize my new neighbor was an old man with a raging boner. FML
Today, I bleached my hair. Not only did it fry, it also has a very noticeable green tint and because of the damage, I can't dye it again for a while. Now I keep getting asked "Why so serious?" by my friends. FML
Today, I was at my doctor's office. I thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out I'm pregnant and I have a kidney stone. FML
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