JetSnipe42

Today, my sister shot my dog with my airsoft gun. When I told my parents, she put on the fakest sobbing I've ever heard, said she didn't even know how to use a gun, and that she saw me shoot my own dog. They believed her and think I need psychiatric help. FML

Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend that she's too good for me, then asking if she really wants to settle for someone like me. FML

Today, I was playing charades with my boyfriend and family. The answer was "Beckoning" so I acted it out with a "come here" gesture. He looked confused for a second, then blurted out "Fingering?" FML

Today, I was at my Mandarin teacher's house. I had diarrhoea and had to go to the toilet. My mum texted me while I was still in the toilet saying, "We all heard you". FML

Today, after seeing a girl for a few weeks on and off I sent her a text to see if she wanted to go out the next saturday. Predictive text changed "go" to "in". So..."Why don't we in out on saturday?" She stopped calling me. FML

You gotta learn

Today, I sang the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" song with a class of thirty 20-somethings because we're going to be kindergarten teachers. She made us do the hand motions too. FML

Today, I was sexiled so that my roommate and the boy who I confessed my love to two days before could hook up. FML

Today, I called my dad to inform him I was coming home from college for the weekend. Expecting him to be excited, he responded with "why?" This weekend was my birthday. FML

Today, there was a story called "Looking Good" about fashion in school that ran in the local newspaper. On the front page of that section it featured a picture of my class. I was photoshopped out. FML

Today, my fish's tank was all green and nasty, but I had no time to clean it because I woke up late, so the job was left to my mom. When I came back, the water level seemed high, and the fish looked a little strange, so I asked my mom what she did. She said "I cleaned the tank with chlorine!" FML

Impressive

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

Busted

Today, my mother asked me if my boyfriend and I were getting serious. I quickly lied and said no. She then informed me that if things ever heated up, she would take me to get birth control. Wanting birth control, I confessed. In turn she grounded me. I'm not allowed to see my boyfriend anymore. FML

Cheered up

Today, I was denied acceptance to the University of Georgia. I was down all day so I decided to go to a party my friend was throwing. Thinking it would cheer me up, as soon as I arrive, all I see is colleges on shirts, hats, and sweatshirts, most being UGA. It was a college acceptance party. FML

Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting to get one ever since I was a child. I bought a $1,400 Golden Retriever. I went out for lunch a few hours later with a friend, so I left my dog in the backyard. I came back home to a broken fence and no dog. FML

Cough up

Today, I found my dog, who had been missing for over a month, at the local pound. Clearly it was my dog, she responded to her name and cried when she saw me. However, the woman there told me I could not simply take her, I had to follow through with all policies. I paid $250 to adopt my own dog. FML

Today, due to the cold, windy weather, I decided to wear my brand-new cute (and expensive) jacket that has a faux-fur hood. As I walked down the street, numerous PETA members attacked me with red liquid. I'm a Vegan and an animal-rights activist. FML

Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML

Blast from the past

Today, I read a PostSecret that said, "I'm afraid my thighs will start to touch soon." My thighs have always touched. I didn't even know thighs weren't supposed to touch. FML

Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the sh*t out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML

Today, I was at the mall with my girlfriend's family. Her 7 year old brother told me he was feeling sad, so I tried to give him a pat on the back, but it turns out he had a bruise there. He yelled out "don't touch me there!" In the middle of the mall. Now her parents think I'm a pedophile. FML

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

Bathroom menace

Today, I used the restroom at a department store. While I was in my stall, I overheard a little girl say to her mother, "I see someone wearing pink!" I remembered that I was wearing pink just as she finished her thought, "…and she's pooping." She was peeking at me through the stall. FML

That's not my name

Today, I finally got my nametag. I had been using other people's names like Maria and Caie for a week, so I was happy to be called my own name. I put it on and got to work. Ten minutes later, I was called into the office. I got laid off. I got to wear my nametag for 10 minutes. FML

Misunderstanding

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

Today, at martial arts practice, a guest sensei wanted to teach me some "manners". He pinned me down and proceded to choke me while crushing my nuts with his hands and yelling at me in front of the whole class, "DOES THAT HURT?!!?" FML

Today, I was hit by a car. My sister ran to see if her phone I was carrying in my purse was okay. She screamed at me while I lay in the street because I was so dumb, and that I couldn't even watch for cars. Her screen was cracked. I had to call 911 for myself. FML

It's not what you think

Today, I was at the grocery with my 4 year-old daughter. She needed me to tie one of her shoes so I bent down. When I was done, I tickled her under the armpit, and she screamed, "Don't touch me there!" Everyone in the store turned to stare. FML

Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML

Today, I was walking through my house when I saw a strange man sitting on my couch. I asked him who he was and he said he was a friend of my mom's. He told me to join him and when I sat down, he punched me in the face and stole my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. FML

Today, I was doing laundry at college. There was a pile of clothes sitting on top of a dryer, but the dryer was empty so I used it. I came back to a note saying, "Don't touch my laundry, asshole" and a dryer filled with urine soaked laundry. FML