pugpuggy

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

Today, thinking I was alone in a public bathroom, I started singing the words to my favorite song. A minute later that I heard a toilet flush, so I just sat there petrified. The other person sarcastically picked up the singing from where I left off. FML

Reflex

Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus. While picking up the pieces to throw away, I noticed a spider on my forearm. Without thinking, I swiped at the spider with a piece of the cactus. I missed the spider, not my forearm. FML

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML

Creepy

Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML

Today, I found out it takes no special training to put a large glass marble up my nostril but may require someone with a medical degree to remove it. FML

Octopi

Today, I overheard my husband talking to our 6 year-old about animals for a project. I listened, thinking it was cute, until my husband said gleefully, "Remember to say this in your project: octopuses have 8 testicles." FML

Today, I had Botox injections to stop my face sweating so much. Now the sweat is almost gone, but my facial expression seems to be stuck on "baffled." FML

Today, I went camping and shared a tent with this girl I have been sleeping with here and there for a year. To impress her, I popped a certain male enhancement supplement. Thirty minutes later I found out she was on her period. What a long night. FML

Mixed reviews

Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

Today, my mother was watching me play Pokémon. She walked over to the TV and pulled the plug before ranting about how shameful it is that her 17 year old daughter plays Pokémon. She then sat down at the computer and started playing Farmville. FML

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML

Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML

Today, while hiking and wearing sandals, I stubbed my toe. This wouldn't have been so bad had it not been into a cactus with 3 inch thorns. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She promptly had a panic attack and screamed, "No!" FML

Today, I saw my crush working the only open till at the grocery store. When she saw me approach her queue, she immediately called for more cashiers. FML

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

Priorities

Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML

Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

Hot wheels

Today, I was driving when I saw that a cute guy was staring at me. Flattered, I smiled at him, but he didn't even react. I realized he wasn't admiring me, he was admiring my truck. This is the fifth time this week. My truck gets more game than I do. FML

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

Today, at work, I was trying to get the octopus out of its tank to transfer it to another one. It instantly latched to my face and sprayed ink all over me. My boss told me to stop playing with the animals. FML

Today, due to my allergies I can't stop sneezing. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for my hemorrhoids making each sneeze feel like I'm getting a cactus shoved up my ass. FML

Today, whilst waiting tables at work, I served a young couple the milkshakes they had ordered. The woman at the next table verbally abused me for "teasing" her screaming sons with "unhealthy foods". FML

Extreme

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. His reason was that my laugh is really annoying and makes him want to "stick a baby in a blender". FML

Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML