Mademoiselle Belfast, Ireland Célibataire
Today, I met a really hot chick while waiting for the bus. We spoke for 4 hours till we got to our destination. She hugged me and we parted ways. Later that day I realised she stole my phone. FML
Today, I decided to get a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. As bent down to put my pen away, my Blizzard somehow defied the laws of gravity and fell on me. FML
Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she went back to bed. FML
Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and I was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML
Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They were all complaining about how there was no good boys left to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Hoping for an invite I mentioned I was still available. They just laughed at me and invited me to come dress shopping with them. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, whom I'm madly in love with, by having a plane fly over her house spelling "Marry me Abby?" After seeing it, she locked herself in her room and cried for hours, exclaiming that this wasn't how she wanted to be proposed to. I'd invited my entire family. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me what I enjoyed most about the weekend we'd spent together. I mention in detail a certain move he'd pulled when we made love. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replied, "Putting my fish tank together." FML
Today, I was standing on a balcony smoking a cigarette when I noticed a woman giving me strange looks. When I put the cigarette out and went to walk inside she said "You shouldn't smoke while you're pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML
Today, I was pulled over by my father who is a police officer. He was training a rookie and gave me a breathalyzer test to show his trainee how to do it. I blew a .15 and was taken to jail. FML
Today, my watch broke so I casually mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A little while later he hands me this really nice watch. He says, "Here, this one's been lying around for a while." It was the watch I gave him for Father's Day. FML
Today, I was entered into an online contest where they announce your name on the radio and if you call in within an hour they pay your bills for you. I'm unemployed, so I got really excited when they announced my name. My call wouldn't go through - I hadn't paid my phone bill and the line was disconnected. FML
Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raised her hand. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend of over a year a text message telling him how much I loved him, how perfect he is for me and what I love about him. He sent me back a text saying, "I thought you had class." FML
Today, my parents came home after being out of town for the weekend. I stayed home, did homework and completely cleaned the house, thinking I could earn some brownie points with them. They saw how clean the house was and accused me of covering up a party. FML
Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML
Today, I got a haircut. Right after the lady finished washing my hair she grabbed a towel to wipe her nose. She then used the same towel to thoroughly dry my hair. FML
Today, I was insulted online by a teenager, who said that I was probably a fat loser who still lives with their mother and a couple of cats. They were right. FML
Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML
Today, I surprised my girlfriend by sending her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who'd delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML
Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident, I blurted out, "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML
Today, my fiancé of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML
Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML
Today, I was talking to my only grandson about how I was going to the dentist to get my teeth fixed and how it was going to cost a lot of money, he replied saying "Who cares, you're going to die soon anyways". FML
Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML
Today, my mother texted me while I was at work asking me to pick up a door-stopper on my way home. When I asked her why she explained that she and my dad were trying to make love but the dog kept pushing the door open. What an image. FML
Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML
Today, I just found out that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend are rooming together at college. Visits are going to be extremely awkward. FML
Today, I was at the mall with my friend when I saw my boyfriend in Victoria's Secret - with another girl. They were joking and laughing, and I was really pissed off. So I stormed into the store and slapped him. He looked up at me with an angry and confused expression. It wasn't my boyfriend. FML
Today, after thirteen years of engagement, my fiancé and I split. As is, with the day, we changed our Facebook relationships to make it official. I logged back on tonight to find his mother, the woman I've spent the last year looking after and having a good time, "liking" the break up. FML
Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML
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