pugpuggy

Today, I missed my bus. But it didn't miss me. I've been in the hospital for 8 hours with a broken leg. FML

Today, it was hot out, so I wore shorts. My dad took one look at me and said, "Your thighs are so pale, it's like staring into the sun". FML

Today, was my first experience having sex. It was also my first experience with a condom breaking. FML

Indoctrination?

Today, we were discussing evolution at the super-religious school I'm forced to attend. I mentioned homo sapiens, and my teacher mockingly replied, "You actually believe in homo sapiens? Hahahah!" The whole class started laughing. No, not at the teacher; at me. FML

Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML

Today, I walked into my boss's office to ask for a raise, and walked out unemployed. FML

Today, my friends made a little game out of my OCD. They like to purposely poke one of my arms so I immediately poke the other one. They think it's hilarious and now do it constantly. FML

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

Today, I sleep during the day because I work nights. My neighbors have a very loud wedding and reception in their backyard including a live mariachi band. FML

Today, I felt pretty. As I deal with a severe anxiety and depression, I was proud of myself. All until a little girl asked: "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML

Of course not

Today, my new doctor asked if I'm sexually active. I said no. He nodded and murmured "No surprise there." Thanks, mate. FML

Take a ticket

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML

Today, after being with my fiance for almost a decade, my future mother-in-law has been accusing me of being a gold digger because we want to buy a house together. She has conveniently forgotten her son was out of work for two years and I supported the both of us. FML

Today, I had to write my own notice for enforced redundancy because my boss just went on a two week vacation. He told me to just forge his signature and that, if I wouldn't do it, he'd just make something up to dismiss me on codes of conduct. FML

Today, I was out shopping with my little sister. I wanted to try something on, so I put my bag in front of a changing room and jokingly told her to bark if someone came near. She ended up biting a lady who was trying to get into one of the changing rooms. FML

Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML

Today, tears and 3 hours on the toilet have made me reevaluate my desire for new culinary experiences. FML

Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I'm at work. FML

Today, I was exhausted due to staying up all night practicing for the most important performance of my orchestral career. I decided to take a nap to energize myself in preparation of the evening and woke up just in time to realize I'd missed the entire concert. FML

Today, I'm warning you: never spoon naked with your girlfriend after eating taco bell. The shartpocalypse just might begin in her ass and end on your stomach. FML

Today, my roommate bitched me out over my "OCD" driving the water bill up. She takes hour-long showers, but apparently me flushing after peeing "wasteful" and a sign of a neurological disorder. FML

Today, I gave my girlfriend a hickey barely an inch from her vagina. She texted me later, saying her dad saw it and had grounded her. So yeah, I'm not sure I even want to know what the hell goes on in their house. FML

Today, I made a nursing home resident laugh so hard that he had a heart attack. FML

Today, I was working on a project in my school's library when a group of teenagers came in and began talking and laughing and being loud. When I asked them to please quiet down, the librarian asked me to leave for being too loud. FML

Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML

Bought or stolen

Today, when leaving my apartment, I instantly noticed there was a giant dump truck in our lot, which turned out to be directly behind my car. After making a 20-point escape from my parking space and getting to work late, my roommate texts me, "DUDE guess what I got last night." A giant dump truck. FML

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

Today, I have food poisoning. My boss told me that if I didn't come into work, I'd be fired. Not 30 minutes after sitting down, I sneezed and shat my pants. My boss still won't let me leave. FML