Mademoiselle Domzale, Slovenia 26 ans Célibataire
Today, the boy I like came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML
Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML
Today, a 65 year old toothless gas station attendant asked me out on a date in exchange for free gas, and I said yes. This is what my unemployment has come to. FML
Today, my husband changed the voice on my car's GPS to Mr T's. I don't know how to change it back. I've been saying, "I pity the fool" over and over again ever since. FML
Today, I tried to open a can with a potato peeler. For a minute I forgot what a can opener looked like. FML
Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML
Today, a man on the subway serenaded me. That's not the issue. He was cross-eyed, making it hard for me not to laugh in his face. FML
Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML
Today, I paid for someone else's piss so that I could pass my drug test. I didn't pass the drug test. FML
Today, I started a new job. I noticed all the beautiful women. Then I tripped on a cord running across the floor. They noticed me too. FML
Today, I found out that the extremely attractive man that works in my building can hear everything I say about him through the paper-thin walls. FML
Today, my daughter tried to sneak out of the house. When I caught her, she freaked out and punched me in the face. She then "snapped out of it" and claimed she was sleepwalking. FML
Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML
Today, the highlight of my day was that I could afford name-brand ketchup. FML
Today, I started my dream job of being a veterinarian. My first day consisted of having to put down 12 dogs and 5 cats. FML
Today, after years of bad blood, my husband decided to invite his parents to dinner. After making rude remarks about my pregnancy, his dad eventually muttered that I'm a slut. My husband punched him, his wife called the police, and now I'm all alone while he sits in a jail cell for battery. FML
Today, I went for my follow-up appointment with my surgeon. He walked into the room and said, "I thought you died." FML
Today, I overheard my mom talking on the phone with my sister about how much they hate my fiancé. My wedding is in two weeks and my family has been pretending to like my future husband for three years. FML
Today, my dog and I were sitting on the couch. I went to the bathroom, came back, and saw him walk over the remote, which caused the TV to change to the Hustler channel, just a few moments before my girlfriend walked through the door. FML
Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML
Today, my family was celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday. I pulled a little prank and got candles that keep relighting. After a few blows, my grandma fainted. FML
Today, my 14-year-old daughter came home after sneaking out and partying. She was totally drunk, and started crying on my shoulder because some boy named "Thomas" has a small dick, and she had to fake an orgasm. FML
Today, I had an amazing orgasm. So great that the shortness of breath triggered an extreme asthma attack. FML
Today, was my birthday. Today was also the day that my mom's cat died four years ago. She was too busy crying and looking at old photos of her beloved cat to even wish me a happy birthday. FML
Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML
Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML
Today, I had to have major oral surgery. Needless to say I am in need of some heavy pain medication. My pharmacist insists that my surgeon never called in my medicine, and my surgeon insists otherwise. This has been going back and forth for hours. FML
Today, it's been two months since I got a kitten. He loves to hide, and then surprise me by jumping out of his hiding place. It was quite a surprise when he launched himself out of my bag during class. FML
Today, my sister's boyfriend called while she was out. The second I answered he tried to have phone sex with me. When I explained to him that I wasn't my sister and that we just sound the same on the phone, he replied, "Don't care, let's keep going." FML
Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML
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