ursa2000

Today, my husband put some photos of our wedding on Facebook. He named the album "FML". FML

Look at that

Today, I noticed that my son only really looks like me when he's straining to take a dump. FML

Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML

Today, when I went to pay for my groceries, I accidentally handed the cashier a condom instead of my $20. FML

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I looked up. There was a huge scorpion dangling on the air vent above my head. I was trapped in the bathroom for over an hour trying to build the courage to run out. FML

Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML

Today, I woke up naked, duck-taped to the wall, with no memory of last night. FML

Today, my husband and I agreed that he would name our first born and I would name our second. He's dead-set on naming our child "Raindropp" no matter whether it's a boy or girl. FML

Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML

Today, my clumsiness has reached such legendary proportions in my family, that when I visited my grandparents, I found they'd put stickers all over their glass doors, so I wouldn't have "yet another painful accident". FML

Today, my mum found out she's pregnant. I would be happy for her, if she knew who the father was. FML

At last! Well done!

Today, I finally realized how stupid I am, when I answered a question correctly in class and my teacher started clapping and cheering. FML

Today, while I was using my computer, my cat ran up to the power strip, looked me in the eyes, and hit the power switch, turning everything off. She does this quite often. FML

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

Today, I'm so broke, I asked my parents if they'd pay for me to go to the eye doctor and consider it my Christmas present. FML

What ARE you doing?

Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML

Never enough

Today, I realized the number of cats I currently have is higher than the number of guys I've ever dated. FML

Today, I decided to go meet up with a guy that I met online for the first time. All he could talk about was how he expects me to "clean, cook, and submit" my body for sex at least twice a day when we get married. FML

Today, I overheard my parents fighting about who has been the most loyal. I found out my Dad has cheated twice, and is still the most faithful of the two. FML

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML

Are you OK?

Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to happen a lot. FML

Steady on, son

Today, my son got his first tooth, and is enthusiastically biting everything. I breastfeed. FML

Going well

Today, I was at a party with my crush. The collar on his shirt was sticking up so I fixed it for him. He gave me a hug and said, "Aww you're so good to me. You're like my mother. You can be my college mother." I got mother-zoned. FML

Nope

Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

Today, I was waiting inside the shelter at the bus stop when a lady came up to me and asked if I would mind if she peed. FML

Stuck

Today, at 7 a.m., I ended up outside in a nightdress, barefoot and in the rain. I've just found out that my two-year-old son now knows how to close the patio door, which of course, has no outside door handle. FML

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

Today, I had to walk home from school in the rain, because my mom "didn't have a car to pick me up in". But when I got home, the car had magically appeared. Just great. FML