martijn

Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML

Today, I passed out in my car in a McDonald's parking lot. I got woken up by a cop. FML

Today, we ordered from a burger joint through Uber Eats. We waited over an hour for the food when it should have arrived in 25 minutes. Looking back at the app, we saw that the order was cancelled. The dude was hungry and decided to steal our food and take off. FML

Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

Customers from hell

Today, my boss told me to check out the situation in the restroom. Someone had crapped themselves, rolled their underwear into a ball, and had the audacity to write that they were sorry in sharpie on the wall. FML

Today, I found myself lying to my diary. FML

Today, to treat the family, I cooked something nice in appreciation for sticking it out over the past few tough months. Unfortunately, I chose this one day to not wear my oven mitts when carrying the food to the table, spilling the food all over the carpeted floor. FML

Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins from the airport. On our way there, the car died in the middle of the road. A police officer stopped to help us, he blocked the road while i pushed and my grandma steered. I had to push a minivan, I weigh 115 lbs. FML

Today, I realized just how shy and awkward I really am when I averted my eyes to avoid making eye contact with someone who turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. FML

Today, my dad learned how to use the parental controls. I now have an 11 o'clock curfew. I am 17. FML

Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML

Today, while cleaning a carpet in my house, something in it sliced my foot. I couldn't find what it was, so I went to clean the wound. 10 minutes later, I sliced my foot again on the same thing. I still can't figure out what it was. FML

Bad babysitter

Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML

Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML