Nottingham 32 ans
Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML
Today, I texted my friend asking if he'd like to join my "porno group". I meant promo. I quickly texted back correcting the mistake, but not before I received the nudes he sent. FML
Today, I was roused from my peaceful slumber by the sound of evil laughter coming from my closet. It was my old Furby, with dead batteries, that I could have sworn I got rid of several years ago. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML
Today, my boyfriend backed out on our date so he could help his best friend get ready for some kind of drag queen competition. FML
Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML
Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML
Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND!" FML
Today, I found out my family refers to my room as "The Virgin Cave". FML
Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML
Today, I found out that while on foreign exchange for over six months now, I have been pronouncing the word for "night" in German wrong. Apparently, this whole time, the way that I have been pronouncing it in German means "naked". This explains a lot. FML
Today, my boyfriend is mad at me for causing him to fail a science test. Apparently he thought I was serious when I told him that homo sapiens were extinct because they were "homo". FML
Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML
Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML
Today, I'm filling in as a secretary. My only job is to answer the phone. So far the phone has rung three times: when I was in the bathroom, when I went to get the mail and when I was shredding papers where there is no phone. Everyone here thinks I am slacking off. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed. I was about to call my parents and tell them we're getting married, but they called me first to announce they're getting a divorce. FML
Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML
Today, I was talking to my mum about how I'd quite like to have kids someday. She responded: "Well, nowadays they let singles adopt as well, don't they?" FML
Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion. Due to lack of space, they abbreviated the title. I'm now listed as "Sr Anal". FML
Today, I was babysitting my young cousins who are obsessed with Narnia. So to appease them, we checked every closet in the house. We never did find Narnia, but we did find sex toys. Lots of them. FML
Today, while in the airport, I had to use the washroom. Upon exiting, I got confused due to an excess of mirrors and walked directly into one in front of an audience. FML
Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML
Today, I was trying to get a good night's sleep before the huge exam tomorrow, which I'm extremely anxious about. The SAME night my neighbor below me is having a home birth. It lasted NINE HOURS. FML
Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting "DON'T PINCH MY NIPPLE" at the top of her lungs in the shower. FML
Today, I went to a new doctor. While filling out charts she looked up and said, "I'm assuming you are single." FML
Today, my roommate's boyfriend professed his love to me. I kicked him out, and he stood outside the door calling my name until he saw my roommate coming down the hall. They both came in and he acted like nothing happened. FML
Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML
Today, I was talking with my girlfriend. We both have family issues, so we'd agreed to open up to each other today. Turns out I'm dating my cousin. FML
Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML
Today, during an important meeting, I forgot the name for West Virginia and described it as, "Virginia a bit to the left". FML
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