Today, my flatmate came home from a date with the same guy that I have been in love with since high school. As I type, can hear them having sex through our paper thin walls. FML
Today, after two weeks of trying to convince my parents to go to my high school graduation. They finally gave in. After they handed me my diploma, they decided to leave because it was "too boring." I'm currently sitting on the curb of the street waiting for my Uber, while people take pictures of me. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend for another girl. This other girl helped me break up with her so we could date. After it was all done, she promptly rejected me and in front of everyone, saying how much of a douche I was for leaving my girlfriend for another girl. FML
Today, I was trying to seduce a really good-looking girl, when all of a sudden she leaned in towards me and said, “Sorry, I’m not drunk enough to make out with you.“ FML
Today, I had a horrible case of the flu. I have a fever of 102 degrees and I can't breathe through my nose. Choosing to sleep it off turns out to be enough for my mom to call me a lazy fuck and scream at me for doing nothing all day. FML
Today, my grandma told everyone I'm using steroids and amphetamines, all because she mistook my protein powder and vitamin pills for drugs. FML
Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML
Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML
Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML
Today, an old friend of mine refused to go to a movie with me. Turns out he was sitting in front of me with my girlfriend. FML
Today, I invited my friends to meet up at the park. After asking twice, I finally got the text saying to meet them there. But when I got there, I realized they had already been there for a while. As I was walking up to them, I heard, "Why did you invite him?" FML
Today, it's my birthday. My children decided to make me "breakfast in bed", only to end up setting the kitchen on fire. FML
Today, I went out for drinks to mark the end of my current job. I invited all my colleagues to join me so I could say goodbye to them all. I even changed the date to a day that suited more people and the location to a place I knew they all preferred. Only one person showed up. FML
Today, I am one year away from getting a university degree. Unfortunately, my parents just kicked me out because I wouldn't drop out and work for free at our family's gas station. I'm now broke, homeless, and have no way to pay for school. FML
Today, three weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML
Today, I found out the friend I signed a lease with is actually a wanted drug dealer. I only found this out after the police kicked in the door at 5am and raided our house. FML
Today, I was so ashamed of being broke that instead of asking my parents for money, I snuck into their house while they were at work to steal some of their food. FML
Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML
Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doctor. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML
Today, on my holiday in Thailand I was using the ATM to withdraw $500 worth of Baht. While doing this the ATM crashed and decided to restart. After 5 minutes it spat my card out and nothing else. When I returned to the hotel to use the Wifi, the ATM had deducted the money from my account. FML
Today, my mother in law likes to baby my partner. Gets him drinks, kisses him on the forehead, talks to him like he's 8, does everything for him. And she gives me death stares, especially when she hugs him when I'm around. FML
Today, on the bus ride home from work, two women behind me kept pulling my hair. I turned around and told them to, "cut it out." When I got home, I realized they'd took it literally. FML
Today, I walked up to my sister's car to give her some money I owed her. She refused to open the window and take back the money. After begging her to open the window, a passer-by mistook me for a beggar and gave me some loose change. FML
Today, I was talking with my girlfriend. We both have family issues, so we'd agreed to open up to each other today. Turns out I'm dating my cousin. FML
Today, I saw our boss, visiting from the USA, press the button on the coffee machine, probably thinking a cup will drop automatically. I grab a cup in the cupboard and put it under the now pouring coffee. Next thing I knew, I'm lying on the floor, my boss's bodyguard on top of me. FML
Today, after countless nights of no sleep and only some spontaneous naps, I was finally seeing a sleeping doctor to analyze the problem. I missed the appointment because I ended up sleeping through my alarm after not being able to sleep at all last night. FML
Today, I thought I'd save some money by doing my own electrical work. When I turned the power back on, it caught fire. FML
Today, I have a huge crush on my best friend who views me as his little sister. My coworker found out and has since been making incest jokes. FML
Today, I received an "I miss you" text from my ex of 4 months, who I still love dearly and would give anything to get back together with. Yesterday, I slept with his best friend, convinced I'd never hear from my ex again. FML
Today, it's again one of many times my mom dropped me off at the mall to hang out with friends. Since I have no friends, I shop by myself and always tell her I had "so much fun". FML
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