Sandsh8rk

All scammed out

Today, my wife paid a man with a fake crystal and an even faker accent to investigate the creakiness of our apartment complex floors. $300 later, she told me he'd found a "sinkhole of chi energy" and that the building may collapse if we don't pay him to disperse it. I want a divorce. FML

Today, I started working my new summer job at McDonald's. Only 2 hours into my first shift, my tooth falls out onto a young girl's tray of food. Not only did she see it, but my managers and other people waiting in line all saw it. I don't think I have a summer job anymore. FML

Today, I found out why my mother-in-law kept asking for one particular photo of our baby. She just wanted to show off the blanket that she had made to her friends on Facebook. Her first grandchild was almost completely cropped out of the picture. FML

Today, my grown up, unemployed boyfriend stole 70 dollars from my wallet and tried to hide it in two different places in case he needed to ditch me and go out by himself. He got angry when I confronted him and stormed out. He feels perfectly entitled. I work, pay rent and buy food. FML

Today, I was on a boat and I thought I saw a towel fly off, but it was actually my fricken dog. FML

Today, while talking to my parents, I dropped an ordinary drinking glass. After I apologized and cleaned the mess, they told me that they had decided that if I couldn't be careful at home, I certainly couldn't be careful on the roads. They took away my keys. I'm 19. FML

Today, my father finally achieved his long-held goal. He has legally disowned me. FML

Sixth sense

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

Expensive noodles, dude

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

Today, I'm five and a half weeks pregnant. One of my coworkers told me that it sucks that I'll have to wait so long to show. I asked her what she meant; she replied, "It's always harder to tell when big girls are pregnant. Can't tell what's fat and what's baby." FML

Today, I went to the restaurant I recently got a job at, to take the introductory three hour training course. Afterwards, I was told I wasn't hired after all. Why? The girl I was replacing suddenly decided she didn't want to move away and quit after all. FML

Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

Today, my boyfriend came to my work, at a drive thru, in my car, and then got mad at me because I wouldn't give him free food. In his anger, he put my car in reverse and backed out of line very quickly, only to smash into a paying customer. FML

Today, some asshat ran onto the road and tried and jump over my car as I drove by. He didn't make the jump. FML

Today, I was invited to a fancy-shmancy charity event, and the host - my friend - told me to wear a long, ballroom, fancy gown. Turns out my friend was just being a dick and it was a pool party. I spent $200 on my hair and makeup alone. FML

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

Today, I had to call a parent and tell them that their special needs daughter is pregnant. FML

Freaked out

Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML

Today, I went to visit my mother after many years. Her hoarding has gotten so bad that now the house is entirely filled with junk and garbage, and she is camping out in the jungle of a backyard, cooking on a cauldron over a fire and shitting in the compost pile, with no working heat or water. FML

Today, my brother tried cremating our deceased cat. In the oven. My nose has killed itself. FML

Today, my family and I were driving and we passed a strip club called DB's Golden Banana. My 5-year-old sister asked what it was, so my dad said it was a place where people dance. Now my sister keeps telling people she wants to be a dancer at DB's Golden Banana. FML

Public freakout

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

Today, the man that I have a crush on finally touched me. This would have been great, if not for the fact that it was to roll me on my side while I was having a seizure. FML

Today, my husband asked me to buy a different brand of dish soap, as the one he was using wasn't working. After a quick look, I had to agree. The lemon cordial he had been using, while tasting nice, didn't really help clean the dishes. FML

Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one complete fuck-wit anymore. I told him what I thought of him, and then walked away giving him the middle finger. Turns out, he is a regular customer at my new job. Everyone loves him and thinks he's awesome. FML

Today, my long-distance boyfriend came to see me and told me that he had a surprise for me. I was excited at the idea of a romantic gesture, but forgot about it until he arrived and things began heating up. As I was removing his pants, I said, "Ooh, you shaved!" to which he replied, "Surprise!" FML

Today, I heard my skinny 14-year-old daughter tell her friend, "Ugh, I wish I had leukemia or something so that I could lose weight." Yes, she actually said that. FML

Bye Felicia!

Today, I rang up a good friend to ask her to be one of the two bridesmaids at my upcoming wedding. Before I could ask, she let me know that she would not be attending my wedding, as, "Weddings are expensive, so I'm not attending ones for people that are just acquaintances." FML

Pervy

Today, my husband's 70-year-old uncle came for a visit. Since we only have 2 bedrooms, we set him up in our daughter's room. Later, I glanced into the room and saw him masturbating in her bed. FML

Squelching the night away

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML